Standing still...

Starting to feel like im just standing still.  Like im waiting on something or someone to push me so I can move forward.  Really, is it supposed to be this hard?  It's 2am and im up alone in my thoughts.  Poor pitiful little ole me.  Im starting to feel like that is me.  The one that everyone avoids because it's poor poor pitiful ole Erica again.  I know that isnt the case, I have amazing friends who God has placed in my life that would just sit and listen to me sob on hours end, if I needed them to.  I guess im looking at myself as poor pitiful Erica.  I feel like im lingering in this grief and I cant find a way out.  I was told by a relative that I needed medication for depression.  I dont think there is a magic pill to take away the pain and constant reminder that my daughter died.  I started working overnights and I say to some that maybe it will help keep my mind of things.  The real of it is were in such a financial slump I have no choice.  Im not ready to work or be around "new" people.  Im a horrible person to work with, im cranky and rude.. Yes me rude!  Im the nicest person you will meet and here I am being short with my coworkers because I dont want to have anything to do with them.  Im bitter with the whole situation and I cry on the way to and fro work because I know when im there all I can think about is my lot in life and where I am supposed to be right now.  I pray about all this and God has been amazing to me!  I just feel like there is a hole in my chest that no matter how hard or how much I pray will never go away. 



Just looked this up and Rowan means, little red one.  Maybe she would have had red hair like her big sister Amiah.  A Rowan tree is also a symbol of friendship.  Which is perfect because I chose her middle name Marie after my oldest friend Robbin.

Fire Works and Empty Arms

So im sad today.  Which here lately really isnt all that abnormal.  Took the kids out to see the fireworks last night and found myself so sad.  All I kept thinking while watching Jacob that I will never get to see Rowan's face light up the first time she sees fireworks.  sigh...   I swear everywhere I turned I saw pregnant women and that should be me!!!  It should be!  It's not though and I think I have done pretty good accepting that. 
I took a job hoping it will help my mind not dwell on my situation but it dosent help, here lately all I can think about is her.  They introduced a new jewlery line on my first day of work called the Family Cycle jewlery collection and one of the necklaces is a medallion with a Rowan tree on it.  What a cowinkidink!  She is everywhere I swear! 

Not one day...

There isnt a day that goes by that I don't think about her.  Not one day that passes that I don't wish that things were different.  Not one single day can I go through without praying that she were still here.  I know I never got the chance to get to know her or what kind of personality she would have had, but I still miss what I never got the chance to know.  Like I've said hundreds of times, I have my good days and my bad, my ups and my downs.  Never is there really a middle ground and if there is, it dosent last to long because I never remember it.   I know my little Rowan is safe and I know God is taking really good care of her, still im selfish and wish it were my arms that were holding...sigh...

 

needed a good cry

So, my week has started off on the rough side.  I've been holding everything in for so long I finally exploded.  It's funny the things that set you off.  Im OK now though.  I needed a good cry and I got more than my fair share of one yesterday. 
We celebrated the two oldests birthdays this weekend. Had a big to do at the park, I think everyone had a good time.  It wasent as big and elaborate as I had invisioned but it was nice.  Our fundage was low thanks to some douche bag kid breaking into our van and getting our debit card/credit card.  So we were out a bit, but the bank should refund all the charges once the investigation is over. Hopefully that will be soon.
There was a lady dropping off her daughter to the party who was pregnant.  She went on and on about how much she hates being pregnant blah blah blah.. Thinking to myself how much I would give to still be pregnant as she was talking.  She is due Aug 25th.  Three days before Rowan's due date was to be.  I did good though I think I held myself together quite well, I even held a baby :)
Keirsten got a bead kit as a gift and made me a necklace with all the kids first initial on it, it was really sweet.  Sadly I cant find it and judgeing by the look of Jacobs poop im pretty sure he ate all the beads, im not about to dig them out!  Anyway this is me since my last little bloggy thing.  

A day of grief lasts longer than a month of joy

2 months

Death of a loved one is always a cause for mourning. However, when a baby dies, there is a sadness that goes beyond normal grief. We are programmed to expect that the old outlive the young. When a person who has lived a full life passes away, there is a sense that everything is as it should be. When a baby passes, who has not even has the chance to experience life, her death seems meaningless.

It has been two months :(  I should be nearing the end of my journey instead it was ended way to soon. 

Can I skip the month of Aug?

  So, I went to my first M.E.N.D meeting last night. I think I did OK. Cried at the end while looking through a children's book meant to explain the loss of a baby to their siblings. Had to put that one down quickly. I'm not ready for that just yet. Amiah keeps asking where is the baby that was in my tummy, and all I can say without sobbing uncontrollably is that shes in Heaven let alone read her a book about it and compose myself to where it isn't going to bother her. We do what we can as parents and right now that is all I can do with her on the subject. She has been showing out since shes noticed the change in the atmosphere here so I don't want to make things harder for her to adjust back to her normal little self. She has been doing really good with the whole attitude and acting out for the past two weeks I don't wanna jeopardize it. Anyway, I met several other ladies who have been in this situation and though the reason us all being there is sad it was nice to see im not alone in the thoughts, actions and reactions I have been having over these past two months. Yes it has almost been two months. I cant believe that. I should be nearing the end of my seventh month by now counting down the days to meet my little girl but I'm not. I'm dreading the days to come, especially her due date. Ive heard from other angel baby mommies that the anticipation to the due date is worse than the actual date. I just want to skip the whole month of Aug! Can I do that? Maybe Unisom and Ambien will become my best friends that month. Just kidding. I know I cant sleep away my sorrows just as much as I cant drink them away either. Saddens me to think people believe they can. So just a quick FYI if I'm pissy with you during the month of Aug I apologize ahead of time. I have started reading a book called. I Will hold you in Heaven". It's looking at the death of a child from what the Bible's POV is. It deals with miscarriages up to babies who die at an early age, even abortion. So far so good. I guess I'm OK. I think I'm doing pretty good considering how fresh all this still is. I have realised how shallow some people really are and sadly it took this for me to see what horrible friends they are. I also have come to terms with the fact this is me now. The new normal I guess. There is no going back to the way Erica was before this it's not going to happen. How can you go back to normal after you have lost a child? This is me now and I have to be OK with that. You don't have to be but if you cant accept me now then maybe it's better you hit the road Jack. I had someone ask me how I could pray to the God who took my baby? I answered, the same way I pray to the God who gave me her. I know there is reasoning behind Rowan taking an early flight home and though I struggle with accepting that I have no choice but to be OK with that.

How dare you....

Why God Takes Little Children

When God calls little children

to dwell with Him above,

We mortals sometimes question

the wisdom of His love.

For no heartache compares with,

the death of one small child.

Who does so much to make our world,

seem so wonderful and mild.

Perhaps God tires of calling

the aged to His fold.

So He picks a rosebud

before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them,

and so He takes but few.

To make the land of heaven

more beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult

still somehow we must try.

The saddest word mankind knows

will always be Good-bye.

So when a little child departs,

we who are left behind,

Must realize God loves children.

ANGELS ARE HARD TO FIND!

Author Unknown

You have no clue what I am going through!  How dare you say I need to just get over it already.  The bad thing is you said it to someone other than me.  How dare you? You have never been in my shoes so how can you even justify saying, "At least she can have more children."  or "They have four already maybe God made a mistake allowing her to get pregnant with a fith"  best yet " She needs to get over it, it isnt like she lost a living infant, if she continues to let this eat her up there is no hope for her other children" Really?  I could call you out and say who you are but you know who you are and I could sit here and dog the hell out of you for what type of person you are or how horrible of a mother I think you are but im not that kind of person, I will pray for you and I will forgive you because that is what a Christian does. 

I wonder

Today is just another day that goes by like nothing has changed except you. My sister said it best in one of her Facebook updates, "It's not fair that when people die time doesn't stop. It keeps on going as if it doesn't care that another good person is gone and you're dying inside.". That is so true. Time keeps ticking no matter what happens. It feels like your the only one time has stopped for and your trapped. You see everyone else going about their lives like nothing happened. Why cant I go on about mine? I'm the only one still grieving this and I feel all cried out. I'm just numb to all of this now, like I cant cry anymore but I still feel all the pain. Will it ever go away? Guessing that my roller coaster is on a down at the moment.

I have accepted this is what it is and that's all it can be. I have come to terms with the fact I lost my little girl, that her life was cut short way to soon (she was supposed to bury me not the other way around!). I have accepted the fact I am not pregnant, that I had a daughter named Rowan who is not here with me. I know God has a plan and I know that this was part of his plan! I know God loves me so much and that he too has felt the loss of a child, he sent his own son to be out savior by giving up his life so we could live. I know this! I have accepted it, now when does this hole in my heart heal?

This girl at the park yesterday asked me how many children I had, I told her four. It's better than saying. " I have had five but I have four." I felt guilty not saying five. Maybe I'm beating myself up not wanting the outside world to think that I see my Rowan as an afterthought. However it's much less complicated to just say four. I know I have five, just one isn't here on earth with the others. Anyway, she then asked if I was done having children. I held it together. ( I'm becoming so good at this I can even fake myself out some days) I told her it was not in the stars for me to have another right now but maybe in the future.

I know Rowan is up there safe, she will never have to feel pain or sorrow. I wonder if she has met up with my Mama, or my grandparents, maybe James, Susan, or Eric? I wonder... Im sure if she hasent she will get around to it sooner or later she has eternity. I know one day she will meet up with me! Until then I will do whatever I can to be a faithful servent to the Lord and the best mom and wife I can be

God saw you getting tired and a cure was not

to be. So he put his arms around you and whispered "come to me." With

tearful eyes I watched you,and saw you pass away. Although I loved

you dearly, I could not make you stay. A golden heart stopped

beating, hardworking hands at rest....God broke my heart to prove to me, He only

...takes the BEST.

One of those days

I finally did it.  I took Rowan's box down last night.  I waited until everyone was sleeping and took it down.  I looked through all the items and photos.  Kissed the pictures, her little blue bunny and hat.  I have a pain in my heart that im afraid will never heal. I know it will never heal it's something im going to have to learn to live with and I honestly think im doing pretty good so far.   I miss her! I miss being pregnant with her!  I miss the hopes and dreams I had for her!  I know though, God has her and he is taking the best care imaginable of her.  I just can't help but wonder if she misses me or ever thinks of me.  I know I miss her and think of her all the time.  There isnt a moment that she isnt in the back of my mind.  I just have my days I guess and maybe this is one of them :(

Everywhere I look

I haven't taken Rowan's box down in almost three days. I haven't looked at her pictures, held her blanket or little blue bunny in almost three days. I want to take the box down but something is holding me back. Like I know it's a bad idea, that I'm just torturing myself if I give in and get it down. Ive even been in the closet, hands on the box starting to pull it off the top shelf where it stays and had to stop because I feel like right now it's not the best idea. I have been OK for about 24hrs now and I know if I take it down to look through that OKness will be ruined. Does that make me horrible? That I don't want to look at my daughters memory box? Everything that was hers or was to be is all in one tiny box. I got rid of all the baby items I had saved right after we got home. Some mommy to be lucked up with my Craigslist posting. I just couldn't look at it. Everything already reminds me of her, I look at my children and know there is one missing, I look at the photos on the fridge and know the only one up there even close to being one of her is a photo of where she is buried, I will never get to capture a memory of her to place up there with the other four. The toys that are scattered through my house will never be Rowan's toys. Even down to the silverware we eat off of, Rowan will never use them. So I feel like why torture myself looking through the tiny box contained with her things, cards, photos, etc. when I already see reminders of her everywhere I look.

So today is...

So today is so far so good. I have ups and downs all throughout the day and so far I'm good. Ive been trying to stay busy as busy as I can because I don't want that dreadful down that I know is to come. I have decided to not go back to the therapist. It isn't like what I have been going through isn't normal. I could see it if I was so bad it was interfering with daily life to the point I cant function semi normal. Yeah things aren't normal right now, nor do I see them ever being the way they were before Rowan but at least I'm OK. I don't want to say things are getting better because this isn't something you "get better" from, despite that being the thought of others. I'm not sick! I'm a grieving mother who lost her child. Yeah it sucks! Yeah it breaks my heart! but it isn't a sickness! So I don't need a cure, I need time. That I can get without paying $140 a month so someone who honestly could care less listen to me piss and moan about my lot in life. So there ya have it! Today is so far so good!

How can you miss someone you never really got the chance to meet

You know that little knot that sits in the back of your throat when your holding back the tears? That knot that makes you want to gag. That makes you feel one hundred times worse than what you "think" you should feel at that exact moment, because your supposed to be strong, your supposed to put on a happy face and smile even though your broken. That knot, is becoming a permanent part of me. If I cry, if I let it all out, where does that put me when the tears have been wiped away? Will letting it all out bring her back? Will I suddenly be seven months pregnant if I give in and cry? Will all this have just been a horrible dream? No. Sadly I know crying wont change a thing. Nothing will make this situation any more bearable that what it already is. Crying will make it worse. So, I sit here put on a painted smile, grin and bare it so to speak and live with that knot in the back of my throat.

How can you miss someone you never really got the chance to meet? I miss Rowan so much! Her not being here, growing inside me is a painful absence that I have to some how learn to live with. I don't want this task! I don't want to be the mother who lost her baby! I don't want to be the sad mother who would rather stay curled in a ball crying than get out of bed so I can enjoy the children I have with me. I pray and I pray and I pray for God to help ease this, to send me a sign things will get better or that he is even listening and still I am at this stage. I thought things would be getting a little easier by now. I thought time heals all. Some days are better than others, some days I can function "normal" others I'm a complete mess. Maybe I should rephrase that...Some hours I can function "normal" others I'm a complete mess. I guess I would rather have ups and downs than just a constant down. Just wish there were more ups these days for me.

Wishing...

OK, so I haven't blogged in four days. I haven't been up to the task. Seems like my hour by hour is a roller coaster but I'm getting by. I have to. I'm sleeping OK now but only with the help of ambien. My doctor told me to try chewing it up and that seems to be doing the trick. I tried to sleep the night before last without it and tossed and turned, mind racing for hours. I finally gave in and took one. At least I'm functional during the day when I take them.

Mothers day SUCKED but that was to be expected. I walked out of church because the music.. I couldn't hold back my tears any longer, the day had already started out emotional, it was Mothers day. I am blessed to have four kids here who love me and showed me over and over again this passed Sunday. So it wasn't all bad, I was just for the main part down all day.

I'm going to try out a support group recommended by my doctor. It's called MEND Mothers Enduring Neonatal Death. I go June 3rd, maybe that will help.. I dunno maybe it will make things worse. I'm a mess so I just don't know. One minute I think I will be OK but I turn around and something reminds me of where I'm supposed to be or what I have went through and who I have lost then it all starts over. All the feelings of guilt, remorse, anger, hurt, I could go on and on. I feel different hour by hour that's why the roller coaster comment. I don't want to be on this ride anymore though. I want to skip all the dips and stick with the highs but that is unlikely to happen. Keep trying to remind myself God didn't do this to hurt me or because he doesn't love me. He knew how much this would hurt me and knows what I'm going through but all things are done for a reason, his plan. I totally think his plan sucks right now but who's to say in the future I wont look back and see his reasoning for Rowan. I have faith that God knows what hes doing, after all he is God. I just wish that it wasn't like this. However I've said it before and I will say it again, I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason, a lesson to be learned from everything. Just wish I wasn't delt this hand. Wishing isn't going to change what has happened. I have to keep pushing forward and holding on to the Lord, trusting in him to see me through.

But honestly, what do I say?

Mothers day is coming up and all the hype about getting mom flowers and a card last minute is all over the place. What do I say when someone asks how many children do I have? Do I say four? Because I only have four here with me? Do I say five, but one is in Heaven? Do I say eight, but miscarried three, lost a little girl when I was six months pregnant with her and have four here with me? What do I say? What do mommies in my position tell people? I know the last three options would open a can of crud I don't feel like explaining over and over again? I have held five children of my own, I have given names to each of them Zeke, Keirsten, Amiah, Jacob and Rowan? Just because Rowan isn't here does she not count? I never had the chance to even really know I was pregnant with the three miscarriages. They happened within the first month and I had no clue I was pregnant until my cycle lasted a bit longer than the norm (TMI I'm sure) But honestly, what do I say?

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven,

and though it must appear

A rather strange idea,

I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit,

your stores to find a card

A card of love for my mother,

as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,

every card you could imagine

Except I could not find a card,

from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too,

no matter where I reside

I had to leave, she understands,

but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,

that you would come to know

That though I live in heaven now,

I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;

we still share laughter too,

Memories our way of speaking now,

would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,

her tears she hides from sight.

She writes poems to honor me,

sometimes far into the night.

She plants flowers in my garden,

there my living memory dwells

She writes to other grieving parents,

trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,

though I no longer live on earth

I must find a way,

to remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored,

and remembered too

Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,

I know you'll do your best

I have done all I can do;

to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,

how much she means to me

Until I can do it for myself,

when she joins me in eternity.

~Jody Seilheimer

If only I could get one to grow here in her honor.

No Closure...

Had my final OB appointment today. I took my photo of Rowan up there in hopes he could tell me what he "Thought" it was. To me I honestly was thinking birth defect but according to him, she was perfectly formed. He said he checked her head to toe after delivery and found nothing wrong with her. He said in most cases it was a cord incident but he remembered checking hers and couldn't find anything wrong. Now I'm left with the not knowing. I have to now accept the fact I will never know what caused my little Rowan to die. The not knowing it eating me up. I honestly cant say I can ever be OK with the not knowing. I am afraid that if I don't have something, some sort of closure I'm going to go off the deep end. I am holding on to God as hard and as tight as I can. There is a song b Josh Wilson called "Savior Please" and the verse "I can't do this alone, God I need you to hold onto me" keeps playing in my head over and over again. I can't do this without him. Yet I'm mad at him, I am a million and one different feelings all in one and I don't know where to begin to work through one to get to the next. I was given a pamphlet to a group called MEND it is for women and men who have gone through what I'm going through, they meet tomorrow night and I'm going to try to make it. I think it would be good for me. I have met online so many mother who have lost their little ones and it helps me feel less alone. I know no one can truly know how the other person feels or felt even though they have been through the same or similar situations. Everyone feels differently, everyone grieves differentially, but it's nice to know someone else has been in these shoes, has some insight as to what I'm going through. I didn't realise how much all this was effecting Ryan until this week. It has been a rough week for him. I just pray God can help mend his and my heart a little. At least enough were we are the parents we should be for our other four.

There will be a time when all of the pieces will fit together and we will understand the reason for the pain.                             

                                

I skipped a day....

Guess I need to make up for it. Yesterday was an hour by hour roller coaster. Not a very fun ride either. I got up had to drop some paperwork off at our lawyers office by 11am so had to drive to the town over. It is about 45minns + of a drive. I had to be out there at 2pm for my therapy appointment anyway and there was no way I was making two trips with it being that far so. Jacob, Amiah and myself made a day of it and went to the good ole' Bass Pro shop. Just to look at the fish. That was fun! I love seeing their faces when they discover something new and that was their first trip there so it was a good time. It made me want to go fishing. I do believe a fishing trip should be in order now. Not sure about MO laws when it comes to fishing, so need to look all that junk up before I start planning anything. I think the kids would like it. I grew up on a lake and the beach so fishing for a while was my thing..lol. It was basically all we ate while we lived at Bass Lake in GA. I think I was nine or ten. Anyway my up bring needs a whole blog to itself..ha ha. So, we did that then went to the famous golden arches for lunch. Ive been trying to stay away from fast food and if I know we are to be out of town for a while I will pack something but forgot the packed lunches on the counter, so had to do something. Had two hungry mouths to feed.

After that we headed over to St. John's Behavioral Health to see Brent Fletcher. I honestly think I can do this without dishing out $35 a week for him to hear me sobb. He said some crazy junk about being able to control your dreams...blah blah blah. He thinks I have borderline OCD. I knew that. Diagnosed with that many of year ago along with severe anxiety in social situations or enclosed spaces. I keep my crazies to myself so not to many people know that about me...Guess they do now. Too bad I have never been ocd about cleaning, that would be a positive of having it..ha ha. (Plus God has made me over come a lot when it comes to the ocd and anxiety issues.) He thinks me looking up birth defects and trying to find a baby that looks like he will re trigger my mind to an ocd stage. I think I'm a grieving mother who wants closure! I think by finding something anything out about why this happened I can give it a rest and move on with my life.

Ya know, I think I'm doing GREAT considering it hasn't even been a month. I think I'm doing awesome! I have no choice but to be doing great or awesome.

I know Rowan is being taken care of I know that, however I wish it were me being the one who is caring for her. I just have to accept that it is what it is and put my all into careing for Zeke, Keirsten, Amiah, Jacob and Ryan also myself.

I know God is on my side

So we went out to Resurrection Cemetery after church this morning. Layed flowers out for our Rowan Marie. It was a very emotional moment. Not just for me but for Ryan as well, at least I know he isn't made of pure stone anymore. So please if you get a chance say a prayer for my family tonight. It was a hard trip. We want to go biweekly for a little bit, if just to bring flowers. Then maybe I can slowly transition out of going bi weekly to once monthly then so on and so forth. I just feel I need to be out there for here. Even though I know she isn't there, she is somewhere so much better it's just getting e mind to connect to the truth when dealing with grief.

I had a really hard day yesterday, not just dealing with Rowan but other issues of my up bring came up and having that load all at once was a bit much. So thankful my friend Kendal rescued me from me and the torture I put myself through. We went grocery shopping. We were accompanied by her two wonderful kids, it was fun seeing how exited they were to try every sample at Sam's.

I am now officially out of my anxiety medication, I go to the doctor tomorrow and I'm afraid to ask for more at the moment. I don want to be labeled a "seeker". I don't think I need something long term just something to make it where I enjoy leaving the house some days. I think I could easily shut everyone out, just curl in a ball and stay that way some days but with what they have me on it helps, I can notice a difference. However if you know my I fear all medication. Addiction runs in my family and I cant let that be me. My kids deserve better, I deserve better.

I know God is on my side and we are to lean on him when things get tough but I find myself bitter sometimes, I know Ive said it before if I were where I was a year ago I would have completely turned my back on Christ by now. I can see how easy it would be. But I look at all the good he has done for my family and I know things will be tough and we have to push through the bad to get to the good, so im holding on to my faith and hope that things will get better.

You know what? I have complete faith things will get better, God is going to see me through. He didn't promise me a life with sparkles and glitter but he did promise if I remain faithful and believe in him eternal life and who could pass that up? My eternal life with him will also include eternal life with my precious Rowan. We just have to take the bad with the good and go with it regardless the bad we are given. Not saying that isn't hard because it is. Ive been through a load of crap in my like, I will admit nothing comes close to what we are dealing with now but we will get by and things will start looking up for us soon.

found thins while working on a study book my friend Jill gave me and it spoke to me so I have decided to share...

2Timothy 2:11-13

If we died with him
       We will also live with him
If we endure <---------------------I have to endure this and push forward with Christ on my side
       We will also reign with him <-------------and I will get my reward in the end
If we disown him <----------------I can not turn my back on him reguardless
       He will also disown us
If we are faithless
       He will remain faithful<-------He will never give up on us

I saw..

I saw someone who is never supposed to cry, cry today, someone who is supposed to hold it together for both he and I but I saw him cry. I wasn't supposed to see him, he had the door locked but me being nosy unlocked it and found him looking at our little ones box and photos. I know this isn't something to blog about but it makes me feel better, at least he isn't immune to all of this, he does care no matter how "hard" he appears he is hurting and I Don't know how to help him while trying to help me.

Maybe our dreams are more than just entertainment while we sleep...

Three days and my doctor is expecting me to have written Rowan a letter. Ive started several times just can only get a few lines on the page before I put it away, saying I will finish it later. I never have that kind of time to finish the letter. I know as many times as I have started and put it away, if I would have just kept going with it I would have a letter by now but what I want to say and how I feel change on a daily basis.. I think my blog here is just going to have to do for a while and maybe make a letter to my daughter a next week project.


My day could go either way right now so I'm not sure how I'm doing. I guess I'm ok at the moment. Hope it stays that way.

I know God loves me and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will see Rowan when I pass on from this earth. I have had forget me nots in my dreams the past two nights. I read a poem a few days back and posted an insert from it on a photo of some beautiful forget me nots. The night before last was me walking in my grandmothers back yard. She loved to garden and had a beautiful rose garden. In the dream I ran over to see if the roses were there and underneath them were forget me nots. I wonder if that is God letting me know Rowan is with my grandmother. Last night I was in a wooded area and the floor was covered with forget me nots, that is all I remember of that one. I have always been one of those people to look into things too much. Look at how I'm obsessing over finding out what happened with her or what was wrong with her. I will probably never know but that wont stop me. I'm like that with dreams as well. Maybe our dreams mean more than just rest time entertainment.

Left to wonder...

OK, so today started as me obsessively looking up photos of other babies born at the same time (gestational age) as Rowan. Trying to find one that remotely resembled how Rowan looked. OK, I didn't get to see Rowan right away. Right after had her I was rushed to the OR because the placenta refused to detach from my uterus and it was causing some serious bleeding (an over share I know) anyway I didn't see her right away. I have no clue how long I was out after surgery. I just remember waking up and I had a new nurse asking me if I would like to see my daughter. Ryan and I both went in saying that we did not want to see her, that it could cause more grief than not seeing her. I changed my mind at the last chance to see her. Ryan did not. He couldn't he still cant look at her photos. He has seen one or two of the pictures but I feel as though I'm shielding him from the others. When I woke up, I could have been groggy due the the mass amount of meds I had been given but when I saw her she looked like a perfectly formed baby. She had a little black fuzz where her hair was starting to grow, I counted all her fingers and toes. I held her legs. I didn't pick her up I let her lay there she looked peaceful. I only saw the left side of her face. She was perfect then and there. Apparently they took photos of here while I was in the OR. They are horrible, not of the perfect baby I saw. She clearly had something wrong with her. So now I'm kicking myself for those genetic tests they recommend at your 12Th week. Also pissed at myself for not having them check her after I had her. I chose not to do the 12wk testing because on both my boys something came back. So I had to be rechecked and they turned up being fine. I figured even if there was something wrong it didn't matter, that baby would be ours regardless. Ryan and I are 100% against abortion so whatever could have come back wouldn't matter. I chose not to get her tested after we had her because personally if had died for some unknown reason wouldn't want anyone cutting me up to find out why. I know it's just the body but that body was the body of my baby and couldn't see to agreeing with that. So now I'm am left wondering what the heck happened. I'm convinceded that she had a birth defect due to the photos that I have of her. The not knowing is killing me!!! Oh my goodness I think maybe if I knew what went wrong I can ease up a bit. I know I keep going on and on about the testing and what not... It is just hard not to when it comes to your child dieing. Hindsight is 20/20 and didn't know I would feel this way about the whole knowing part but I really wish I knew so I can let up a little. So that is me today!

If I didnt have such amazing friends here I know Ryan and myself would have lost it by now.. Thank you all! (You know who you are and we love you all)!!!

I Couldn't Stay Long

You planted me, Lord,

in the womb of my mother

and let me know love

unlike that of another.

I couldn't stay long,

but I will never forget

the way mom and dad

took care of me yet.

Please trust in the Lord

and soon you will see,

to some that's a lifetime

that will never be.

God must have loved us

an awful lot

to let our souls touch

Though our arms could not.

I have to go now,

but please know I'm okay

Remember I love you

and I will see you one day!

I should be buying pink baby clothes now...

So I'm realizing my ups and Downs are not a day by day thing they are more of an hour by hour thing. I was OK until this evening when I saw a woman on television doing a ultrasound. It was an ad for Ultrasound Techs being in high demand. It brought my head to seeing Rowan's ultrasound. How she was all curled up not moving. That day wasn't supposed to be like it was. I should be buying pink baby clothes now not crying on a daily basis that there isnt a pot of gold at the of my rainbow. As a matter of fact my rainbow melted out of the sky and turned gray. I get so overwhelmed with everything I just want to scream or my chest gets so tight It feels like I cant take another breath unless I force it. I keep telling everyone I'm going to be OK almost in a way like I'm trying to convince myself that I will be OK. I honestly don't know. I wish I could honestly say I'm OK but I don't even know. I am trying my damndest to make lemonade out of a ton of lemons and I don't know where to begin.

I know that true healing comes from turning all this over to the lord but I am having a hard day doing that. If only it were different!!!

 

 

If you learn from your suffering, and really come to

understand the lesson you were taught,
you might be able to help someone else
who's now in the phase you may have just completed.
Maybe that's what it's all about after all...

Count Your Blessings....

So today I figured I would tell you about my four other children and how awesomely blessed I am that these four kids call me mom.

My oldest child is Ezekial, but everyone calls him Zeke. I myself call him Zekey Pooh! He is my Zekey Pooh! I had Zeke at a very young age so he and I in a sense grew up together. Or better yet, having Zeke made me grow up. My family up bring was a mess and I never wanted my children going through anything I had to go through growing up. I may get some hate on this from family members who read my blog but c'mon you know! That's all I'd like to say about that (Said like Forest Gump). Anyway, I was not married when I got pregnant with Zeke but something inside me, let's just say I had a strong desire to do things as right as I could at that point. So Ryan and I were married, I was seven months pregnant when we said our "I do's". A couple months pass and we have the most precious little boy ever. He has since been topped by Jacob in the precious dept...lol. jk. Anyway, Zeke was my everything. Everything Ryan and myself did was for him. He is now nine almost ten and the most awesome nine almost ten year old you could ever meet. He's very loving, caring, he has a true love for others and God. He is funny, always trying to get a laugh out of you. Smart as can be. So respectful and most of all he is mine and I love him so much.

When Zeke was fifteen months old we decided to add to the mix and try for number two. Right away we got pregnant with Keirsten. I wanted a boy never in my life did I ever picture having a girl so boy were we surprised when the doctor said "it's a girl". Once I held her I knew she was what I wanted not a boy but this beautiful little girl that God had blessed me with. Keirsty was born nine days after Zeke's second birthday (makes party planning easier to mesh them together, so Ive learned). She was born @ 37wks and had really bad jaundice. She ended up staying in the hospital five extra day which stunk! I wanted my baby home with me but what was best for her health was what we were going to do. She was such a beautiful baby and I know if Rowan would have made it she would of looked just like Keirsten. Keirsten is very opinionated and set in her own ways, she reminds me of me when I was her age, Just not as bad. She loves people and would do anything to make someone down smile. That is just my Keirsty Keys. I was looking at pictures of me the other day when I was her age and I do believe she looks like me. She is my mini me :) Such a sweet little girl and I don't know what I would do without my Keirsty hugs and kissies! Love that girl so much!

Four year break here...lol. So When I was pregnant with Keirsten Ryan took a job mixing ink for a printing business. The ink was toxic, no one knew that at the time. It didn't do anything super harmful but it ruined your sperm. Made it to where you produced nada. So we thought we were done. We were OK with just the two we had a boy and a girl so we had all we needed, right? Well we go on vacation, took the kids to Disney, Universal, Lakeland (to visit Ryan's family) we come home and I'm sick, sick as can be. Doesn't help that the day I came home from vacation I was fired from my job. That's life though and it stunk!!!! Well a month past and I'm still feeling gross. We had no clue we could even get pregnant but when I went to see my doctor they tested just to be on the safe side and guess what?........I was pregnant!

So when I was six months pregnant we made the best choice of our lives and Ryan took a job in Missouri. I found a very political and opinionated doctor I will never forget this guy, in the mid of an exam he demanded to know what I had voted on the stem cell research thin they had a few years back. I didn't vote, we had just moved here and I wasn't registered just yet. He was a strange one, I have a knack for picking out the odd ball doctors...lol

So November 15, 2006 we welcomed Amiah into this world. I was induced with her and had to do it all alone. We didn't know anyone up here so I solo'd the whole birthing experience.. Which gt pretty scary for a second there. She wasn't tolerating me laying on a certain side so her heart rate dropped low enough for them to prep the operating room.. SCARY! Everything went well and we had our second little girl. She looked soooo much different than Zeke and Keirsten, sometimes still have to convince myself I'm her mother. She is now three years old with kinky curly red hair and looks JUST like her daddy and her aunt Amy. Shes a ball of energy and it takes every bit of me to keep up with this one. Sassy too so so sassy. She thinks she is a little diva. I love Amiah's random hug attacks! You never know when it's coming but you know sooner or later she will be running to hug you. I love it though. She is something else. We were told when she was six months she had a ball joint problem and probably would never walk and if she did it would be with braces but God changed that and she is perfect! Everything fixed itself and you cant tell that there is anything wrong with her. Her right leg turns in a tiny bit, but you would never know unless you freakishly stared my little girl down for a while...lol She was our surprise baby. We honestly didn't think we would be able to have more and God blessed me with her.

So we go on vacation to FL again, do the whole Disney thing and come back and guess what? We are expecting baby number four! Must be something in the FL water...lol. We had Jacob Feb 7th 2009. By then we had amazing people in our lives and they helped with the other three so I would not have to be alone having Jacob. Jacob is now 14mo's old and like Amiah I have to remind myself he is mine. He looks just like Zeke did when he was a baby but with blond hair and blue eye. He is perfect. He has overactive kidneys so he pees constantly!!!!! Other than that he is a precious gift from the lord. He is my little snuggle bunny and so loving. He loves to snuggle! My sweet precious little guy. I know he would have made an awesome big brother but God had other plans for our little Rowan Marie and plans for Jacob to stay our baby for a little while longer.

You know that song, Count Your Blessings? Well I do daily when I see these four gifts from God.. I truly have been blessed! So no matter how down I get about Rowan I know I have been blessed. God is good he isn't doing these things to hurt us, though it feels that way sometimes. He loves us all so much! Everyone has their own trial's to g through in life you just have to make sure you come out on top with love for God in your heart and a whole heap of faith. Satan wants us to fail. He is everywhere trying to bring us down and I know he looks at events such as Rowans death as an opportunity to creep his way in and try to turn you on the lord. Be strong! I try to tell myself this daily because to be honest it is hard VERY hard!

Second Guessing...

Beating myself up today with the cold ofs and should ofs. I wish I would of had the early birth defect testing done now the not knowing is really getting to me. Obviously there was something wrong just wish I knew. Then I opted out on having her tested after we had her but now I'm second guessing everything. UGH! I just wish I knew what caused this. So that has been my day. Went to the WIC office to re-certify. Babies and pregnant woman everywhere. I held it together pretty good I must say. Everyone who works there knows me and what happened. They kept going on and on about how beautifully written her obituary was.. Thank you once again Jill. Wanda even had it taped behind one of the pc's said it was very inspirational and she hoped I didn't mind. Which I don't just wish I would have had a heads up before I saw it. They were wonderful up there so it didn't go so bad I guess. The post it note on my folder said mother recert/stillborn that kinda got to me but what can you do. The world cant stop or change on my behalf. I don't want people to feel as though I'm surrounded by egg shells I just want things to be normal once again.

 
 
 

 
 

A Peek Into Heaven

By Callie Sanders Thornton

Just one little peek into heaven,

Is all I'm asking for today.

I just want to know how she's doing,

And heaven seems so far away.

Is she playing on the clouds with angels?

Is she laughing and running today?

Does she miss me?

I guess only she knows.

Oh why does heaven seem so far away?

If you just let me look for a moment,

To catch a glimpse of her sweet smiling face,

I promise I won't try to take her,

I know, she's in a better place.

Just one little peek into heaven,

Is all I'm asking for today.

I just want to know how she's doing,

And heaven seems so far away...

please don't say

So today has been so so. This morning was rough! We overslept to check out a new church so I was left with nothing to do. Tried to listen to the service online but it locked up my pc. I really wanted to go take flowers out to Rowans burial site but if it wasn't the weather holding me back it was my husband. He had one excuse after the other mainly blamed him not wanting to drive out there on the weather, but it didn't rain. Foowie on him. So I layed in bed with my thoughts for quite some time this am.

At noon I went and joined a gym..Woohoo.. Something to keep not just me but my mind occupied. I don't think I have worked out that hard in my life. Thought it a good idea to keep me occupied and my mind on something other than what I have been dwelling in over the past two weeks.

FYI I do not feel as though I had a miscarriage.. So please don't say "Well I know how you feel because I had a miscarriage too." it isn't like that. What happened to me/Rowan was considered spontaneous fetal death followed by actually going into labor (ya know, contractions, water breaking, pushing and stuff?). So PLEASE PLEASE stop saying I had a miscarriage!! I have had three miscarriages all within the first month of pregnancy so I know what a miscarriage is, this isn't it. I had a baby, one I could hold and touch one I named!

I know people don't mean anything by it but, yes it offends me a little when that is said. I guess I'm just pissy today! Cant help it, I open the sales paper and it is all baby items, everywhere I look I see pregnant women or babies. I swear I'm losing it. I did sleep last night, didn't dream though. If I did I don't remember. All this stinks!  I know if I didnt have God in my life I would be much more of a mess than I am.

Hard when the wounds are still so fresh...

I find myself dreaming about her every time I dose off. I slept a little better last night with a little less medication, I guess going on so little sleep has finally taken it's toll. I'm almost afraid to go to sleep tonight because I know I will dream of her again and I will have to wake up. Last night she was in the most beautiful white bassinet. It was trimmed in lace and she was in a white lace trimmed layette with a little bonnet on. I could only look at her, for some reason I couldn't pick her up, She was content and happy just laying there, but I could smell her. She smelled so sweet.. You know the wonderful baby smell? That was what it was. It was so real. She had puffy cheeks like Amiah but a darker completion and eyes like Keirsten. When we had her, she looked (to me) like Keirsten. I have this one photo of Keirsten in her baby bath that I know Rowan would look like that. I wish now that Ryan and I would have taken our own photos of her. The ones the hospital took were horrible, then again when I saw her I only saw one side and the side I saw was more developed than the photos that I have show. Hindsight is 20/20 and going in we didn't even want to see her, but I changed my mind after I came out of surgery. My little fairy baby with her little fairy hands and feet. UGH! I wish I could just turn this off and stop talking and thinking about her. I feel like everyone expects me to be "over" it by now. That is one of the main reasons I'm so protective of her box and photos. I don't want someone looking at her pictures and saying "She was so under developed, why are you still this upset?" because sadly I know people that would say that or something close. Ya know what though!! No matter the development; life starts at conception and she was and will always be my baby! I carried her, felt her move, her hiccups, her extreme like or extreme dislike of kit kats, I labored with her and most of all I loved her.

I received a call from my friend Adam today, he can only call us once a month and had no clue what had been going on. The last time we spoke was around the middle of last month. So, one of the first things out of his mouth was "how did your ultrasound go?" so had to tell him the whole spill. It's hard to talk about what has happened but it's getting easier to talk about her. I don't know if that makes sense or not. Our fifteen minute conversation was mainly me blubbering in the phone.

Ya know I have been praying for months for God to use me, to open a door for me to talk to someone about him and his glory. I didn't mean it this way!!! I didn't want to lose something to help someone else gain something. I guess it isn't about what we want but rather what we need. How though could I possibly "need" to go through this? It is so hard not to question God and all these things. I just have to know that there is a reason there was a reason and I have to now find a way to use this to glorify him in all of this. It's hard when the wounds are still so fresh. I will get there though!

Not sure how I feel today..

Mommy I'm Here




Mommy I know this day wasn't what you had planned,

But I'm right here beside you, holding your hand.

My spirit has already gone, there's so much work to do,

But our Father let me come today so I could comfort you.

I know you and Daddy love me, and it's hard to see me go,

But that is why we're sent to earth, so we can learn and grow.

I wish I could stay with you here and play with my brother's and sister's too,

But for now I'll have to wait until your missions are though.

I'll be near when you need me to wipe away your tears,

to hold you tight and kiss your cheeks and chase away your fears.

And on the day our Father calls you to come home

I'll be right there to get you, you'll never be alone.



-Deanne Taylor

 
 
Not sure how I feel today... The day is young though so hopefully things for me will get out of this BLAH state im in at the moment.

Dreams..

I finally slept last night. I took more of the meds than I was told to plus a little extra just to sleep. I had to do something! I have been getting at the most 4hrs a night. I'm cranky and it got to the point where I was snappy with everyone. I almost never get snappy with my kids but yesterday after the whole peds ofc, running around paying bills, fussy babies, fussy daddys I had it. So when I have a 7yr old pissing and moaning about not being able to play outside I snapped. ( I wouldn't let them go out yesterday because it wouldn't have been fair to Amiah. Her rx wont be ready until noon and I don't want to take any chances with their health. So to be fair no one could go out. ) It isn't like they have absolutely nothing to do here. They have toy boxes filled with junk, PS2's, Wii's, DS's and yet she swears they have nothing. So I got a quite crabby and made her spend the rest of the night in her room. I know now that was a bit extreme but I didn't know how to react. I have just been a bundle of stress, nerves and emotions and I feel that I took it out on Keirsten a little yesterday and no I feel HORRIBLE about it. So I knew that the me not sleeping isn't just hurting me it's hurting everyone else in my house. So I took a little extra in hopes I would drift into dream land and stay there. I did! I even slept over a little. I'm still drowsy, chugging coffee at the moment.

My dream!!! I saw Rowen in my dream! She was full term and so precious. I was holding her sitting on the end of my bed. Some how I knew I only had a little time with her. She was wrapped up in a yellow blanket. I could feel the blanket!!! It was so soft so was her skin. She was yawning, cooing, and just looking at me. It could have just been the medication or maybe God let me have a little glimpse of my daughter last night. I may sound crazy but I guess that is want sleep deprivation does to you.

I'm still wishing I will wake up and still have her. I know it's just a wish though. I told Dr. Stanzcky (my ob) the day I went in and found out that I wanted my tubes tied. I didn't want a chance of this happening again. I have since changed my mind. In just two short weeks I have changed my mind. I now see HUGE family reunions (not that I don't have a big family now) but I'm not done neither is Ryan we want more and losing Rowan has made us see that. I was going to have my tubes tied after we had her in the first place but that isn't an option now. I know no baby will ever replace her and im not planning to jump on the baby making train right away we have a three year plan. I want to get in the best health possible and Ryan and I both need to get our finances strait. I figure three years is plenty enough time to grieve over the loss of out little baby angel, get healthy, save some money and be in the place we need to be.

I AM GOING TO MAKE THIS DAY A GOOD DAY!!!

I honestly don't know what I would do if we didn't have Christ in our lives. This is such a hard thing to go through and it is so easy to play the blame game and blame God for not giving you what you want. I know in my heart whatever God is doing here is for a reason. It hurts like hell but I have to place all my faith and love in him and truly believe he is going to see us through.

Up's And Down's

All day it has been ups and Downs. I finally opened the local newspaper and saw with my own eyes her obituary. It is now neatly folded in her cedar box with engraved baby giraffes and hearts on the top. I also received a card from my sons teacher. It was a nice thought, just kinda wish the cards and random calls from fair-weather friends would cease. If I want to talk about Rowan let me initiate that into the conversation, don't just come out and ask how I'm doing thena million and one questions about what happened. Especially if I barely know you. Sorry venting a little about a woman that goes to the same church I went to stopping me as I was passing her at my child's peds office today.. I swear this woman had never said one word to me before..O'well. Nice to know she cares now or just maybe feeling as though she is saving face. I dunno. I just want to wear a sign on my forehead saying "I'm hurting but alive, now leave me alone." It isn't that I'm not appreciative of their concern but when it is coming from the cashier at McDonald's who doesn't even know your name just knows someone who knows someone who knows you it gets old.. Really cashier lady? Really? You honesty care? Really?


Sorry if I sound a little bitter but that is me right now.

So I took my three year old (Amiah) to the ped today. Where I ran into the face in the crowd at church that now is super concerned about me and my family..Anyway, my daughter is severely allergic to oak apparently and was prescribeda slew of meds.. Fingers crossed they will work.. The poor thing couldn't be outside more than 10Min's without her eyes puffing up. Shes also allergic to pretty much all grass so I find that interesting.

I actually got a little excited this evening. First time since all of this has happened. A friend of mine is trying to talk me into joining a gym and so far her powers of persuasion are working and I really do think it would be good for me. Get my mind off my situation or work out my aggression about losing my wee one.

All of this has been rough so anything to get my mind off of things would be great. Ive tried reading and I cant. Cant watch a movie. Cant find anything that holds my interest and keeps my mind off of Rowan. I guess that is just how it is going to be for a while

 

The will of God will never take me where the grace of God will not protect me!!!!

Her obituary was published in the local newspaper today

So her obituary was published today. I received a phone call from the Marshfield Mail last week asking if I would like one published. I thought about it for a while and figured it may help me and Ryan with a little closure. I had my wonderful friend Jill write it up and she did an excellent job. I read it once via email but cant bring myself to open the newspaper to see it. It is beautifully worded and it means so much to myself and Ryan to have had Jill write it. So once again Jill, thank you!!!


Today was OK. Nothing to unbearable. Rowan has been on my mind all day but that is just how it is going to be for a while. Due to my inability to sleep I find myself snapping at my children and husband. I thought it was the medication that I was placed on for anxiety but I was told differentially when I went to see the therapist today. I saw a therapist for the first time today and I found it refreshing to know I'm "normal". That everything I am experiencing it completely normal. I was so happy to find out that he (the therapist) is a christian and only recommends medication if all else fails, but he thinks I will be just fine. I was told this could take over a year to heal from and I will never completely be healed, that Rowan will always be a part of us, of me and that no matter what I will always have that loss. I knew that though. I just want to be able to smile and mean it again, ya know? So, I'm supposed to see this dude weekly then slowly break away when I start to mend a little. So far I like him and hope talking with him will help ease things for me a little. I was told to only allow myself 10-15minn's a day to really grieve for her. Holding her box and just let the tears flow. After that put it away and do the best I can to get through the day, that she will be on my mind regardless but at least I would have gotten that BIG cry out for the evening.

I told him I didnt think I could be happy unless I have a baby now. That I know NO baby will ever replace our Rowan but now I long to hold a baby that is mine, smell that sweet baby smell, nestle up to their soft cheeks. I just don't want this to happen again. I think that would really push me over the edge. He stated I should give myself at least a year, time to heal before trying but I long for one now, I don't think I could wait a year. I guess I will just have to take this one day at a time and rely on God to guide me to the right decision. Then again all this thinking could just be me grieving or hormones.

I did do something I think is a major step.. I shared her memory box with a friend and I held it together really well. I'm proud of myself! There are only a hand full of people I'm comfortable with letting them see the box and its contents. She was the first to see inside besides Ryan and myself so I honestly think it was a big step for me.

Ryan and I had a long talk last night. He and I are 100% against abortion. I don't care the situation, may sound harsh but there is a reason for everything (even Rowan)! Anyway, I skipped out on the early chromosone testing and downs syndrome tests.. Maybe if I would have went through with those tests there could have been something so majorly wrong with her to make us have to consider abortion. Maybe God took that choice off our hands. Obviously there was something wrong otherwise this wouldn't be what it is now. God could have saved us from even more heartache and guilt. Not that this isn't heartbreaking because it is.. This is the most hurtful thing I have had to go through. I wouldn't wish this on anyone!!! To have a child die is HORRIBLE!!! Maybe thought God spared us even more pain.

I just hope I can mend and we can heal together so we can be the Ryan and Erica we need to be for our four other blessings.






Marshfield Mail - Marshfield, Missouri - Neighbor Newspapers > Obituaries > Rowan Marie McCall

I wish things were different...

Well it is nap time in my house. The two Little's are Zzzzz'n.

So I guess this is just going to be an up and down kinda thing. Yesterday wasn't so bad I had a few moments where I couldn't hold it together but other than that did everything in my power to stay busy so I couldn't let myself feel what my mind wanted me to. I thought of her all day and that has proven the same so far for today as well. I even placed applications at three stores to try and get a job doing something over night. It isn't like I sleep in the first place, plus if I do get hired on somewhere my mind will have to be focused on whatever I'm doing and not drift into a million directions like they have been every night for the past ten days. I drove 45minns to and fro to pick up a desk I found on Craigslist by myself and had a nice conversation with God. I know he loves me and I know he is with me through this. Still though I wonder why! Why me? Why us? It's hard not to do that. It is hard not to question God when you lose a child. At least I know Rowan (saying her name today) is in a place so so so much better than here. She will never have to deal with the harshness of this world. Never have her heart broken or be disappointed. Still even saying that I wish things were different. I wish I could still feel her wiggles in my belly wish she were safely growing inside me. I wish I could rewind time and make it to where this had never happened. Or maybe wake up and all of this had just been a horrible dream. I'm selfish for wanting her here when I know she is in Heaven and nothing can top that.

I sold ALL the baby items I was saving and had bought. A load of things for $10. I had to get them out of here, just another reminder of what isn't to be. I have had my husband move our one year olds crib in his older brothers room for now. Ryan and Zeke (my 9yo) are doing bed times for Jacob so I don't have to see his bed. A bed! Really, how crazy is it to cry or get totally bummed out when you see a bed? As I was folding the ton of laundry from our room today I slipped and thought, "this would be a good place for the new babies bed." After I said it, it hit me. So I spent a chunk of the morning crying while folding laundry. God never promised me a happy life where I would remain untouched by heartache. He promised something much better and I just have to get out of this slump. Regardless slump or no slump I have to live for him so I can see my little one again one day.

GOD SAID NO!

I asked God to take away my habit.

God said, No.

It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.

God said, No.

His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.

God said, No.

Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;

it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.

God said, No.

I give you blessings; happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.

God said, No.

Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares

and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.

God said, No.

You must grow on your own,

but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.

God said, No.

I will give you life,

so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.

God said... Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

Im OK today!

Well the day is still young but I'm OK right now. It is 12:45pm, Elmo is going on the ole' boob tube, my two little ones just finished off the last of the strawberries and should be winding down for a nap soon. I plan on taking them for a walk when nap is over. Letting my three year old ride her tricycle along side me pushing her little brother. Just gotta stay occupied! Or I will go crazy and be worthless to everyone. As of last night my husband refuses to talk to me anymore, I guess he is tired of hearing me piss and moan about all of this. It hurts. He told me I just have to get over it that he cant be sympathetic all the time. That no amount of crying is going to change things. I don't need to or want to hear that. I feel like I'm a burden on him and others because I cant carry on a conversation about last nights episode of Celebrity Apprentice because all I think about is "her". Yes I have resorted to "her" today, saying her name doesn't help. I know in the grieving packages the hospital gave me it says to not call her the baby but call her by name. Well I don't want to do that today. I'm OK right now and I think by saying her name that's going to screw everything up. I just want a normal day, but as I write this it's occurring to me that it is all a show. I can fake a smile just as easily as the next. It's what is hidden behind that smile that is taring me apart. I need Ryan to be sympathetic right now!!!! I need him to at least act like this bothers him. I know it's different for the both of us. I carried her, I felt her move, I labored with her and now apparently I'm the crazy one the only one going trough this and it isn't fair!!!


My two littles have drifted into dream land while watching Sesame Street. So now it's all me and my mind which I think I'm slowly losing. I go tomorrow night to the grief support group. I know I'm going to feel odd and out of place I wish someone would go with me. I wish Ryan would/could go. I guess I just feel like it's all on me. It is. It's so hard to "give this to God" because he knows I'm hurting and no matter how much I pray and how many people pray for me and for his comfort I still hurt. I know he is with me I know God is by my side I just want him to take all this pain away. I'm a firm believer things happen for a reason there is a lesson to be learned from every experience. Maybe God felt I didn't deserve her. I said several times during this pregnancy that I didn't want to be pregnant or want another baby. I did though. It was just things happened so soon after Jacob (Jacob being our one year old) that I didn't know how I was going to do this. Now I feel like God gave me a gift and I took it forgranted so he took it back. I do want it!!!!!!!! I want her!!!!!! Maybe I'm a horrible mother and he changed his mind about me being her mommy. I just don't know. It stinks thought!!!! There is something here I'm supposed to learn from and I honestly think it is to not take the gifts God gives us forgranted.

Psalms 4:1

Answer me when I call to you,

O my righteous God.

Give me relief from my distress;

be mercful to me and hear my prayer.

Just Another Day..

So today has been a little rough. It has been one week and two days since Rowan came into this world. I cant say it was the day she was born because she wasn't born she just arrived. I never got the chance to hear her tiny cry or see her open her eyes but I know one day I will have my little angel in my arms. I'm having an issue taking the Xanax prescribed for me. I don't want to take it yet I know it helps. I'm afraid that I will not know if I am healing if I am taking it. What is going to happen when my 20 pills run out? Am I going to feel horrible? I was told I have severe adjustment disorder, but really who wouldn't if they were in my shoes? I guess I'm just afraid. I hate feeling down in the dumps all the time and I don't want to feel this way the rest of my life. Things get bad when I'm alone. My head starts to wonder and is in a million places. That's when the whys? what ifs? etc. come pouring in. If I stay busy I'm OK. It's just staying busy is the issue. Unless I'm made leave my house or I have to go somewhere I have no desire to leave what so ever. I'm just down right now. I feel so empty. Gas bubbles feels like her moving and I have to remind myself she isn't in there anymore. It's so hard to wrap my head around the fact I'm no longer pregnant. I'm supposed to be 22wks over half way to that finish line. Over half way there to getting to hold my baby but that isn't going to happen or me. I'm so heartbroken by all of this and I don't know how to start to mend my heart. I feel like my sadness is taking away from my children, they don't deserve seeing mommy cry all the time.
We visited her grave site yesterday, it was rough but not as bad as I had thought it to be. I saw where the ground had been broken so I know where my baby's resting place is. I don't see going back out there for a while, I just needed to see just for me where they placed her. We left there and went to some nature trails and walked a little. It was a nice time with the kids and everyone enjoyed it. I couldn't help but think I would never be able to take her there to see the beautiful landscape. I swear everywhere I turned I saw pregnant women. I dislike pregnant women now and I cant help it. I'm just so jealous of them. Then there was a man pushing a brand new baby girl while smoking.. just pissed me off. Seeing babies make me cry and pregnant woman piss me off so there you have it.

I know this one wasn't as sincere as my first but I'm bitter today. I know God has a plan I'm just trying my hardest to trust in him and know he has my best interest at heart.