Dreams..

I finally slept last night. I took more of the meds than I was told to plus a little extra just to sleep. I had to do something! I have been getting at the most 4hrs a night. I'm cranky and it got to the point where I was snappy with everyone. I almost never get snappy with my kids but yesterday after the whole peds ofc, running around paying bills, fussy babies, fussy daddys I had it. So when I have a 7yr old pissing and moaning about not being able to play outside I snapped. ( I wouldn't let them go out yesterday because it wouldn't have been fair to Amiah. Her rx wont be ready until noon and I don't want to take any chances with their health. So to be fair no one could go out. ) It isn't like they have absolutely nothing to do here. They have toy boxes filled with junk, PS2's, Wii's, DS's and yet she swears they have nothing. So I got a quite crabby and made her spend the rest of the night in her room. I know now that was a bit extreme but I didn't know how to react. I have just been a bundle of stress, nerves and emotions and I feel that I took it out on Keirsten a little yesterday and no I feel HORRIBLE about it. So I knew that the me not sleeping isn't just hurting me it's hurting everyone else in my house. So I took a little extra in hopes I would drift into dream land and stay there. I did! I even slept over a little. I'm still drowsy, chugging coffee at the moment.

My dream!!! I saw Rowen in my dream! She was full term and so precious. I was holding her sitting on the end of my bed. Some how I knew I only had a little time with her. She was wrapped up in a yellow blanket. I could feel the blanket!!! It was so soft so was her skin. She was yawning, cooing, and just looking at me. It could have just been the medication or maybe God let me have a little glimpse of my daughter last night. I may sound crazy but I guess that is want sleep deprivation does to you.

I'm still wishing I will wake up and still have her. I know it's just a wish though. I told Dr. Stanzcky (my ob) the day I went in and found out that I wanted my tubes tied. I didn't want a chance of this happening again. I have since changed my mind. In just two short weeks I have changed my mind. I now see HUGE family reunions (not that I don't have a big family now) but I'm not done neither is Ryan we want more and losing Rowan has made us see that. I was going to have my tubes tied after we had her in the first place but that isn't an option now. I know no baby will ever replace her and im not planning to jump on the baby making train right away we have a three year plan. I want to get in the best health possible and Ryan and I both need to get our finances strait. I figure three years is plenty enough time to grieve over the loss of out little baby angel, get healthy, save some money and be in the place we need to be.

I AM GOING TO MAKE THIS DAY A GOOD DAY!!!

I honestly don't know what I would do if we didn't have Christ in our lives. This is such a hard thing to go through and it is so easy to play the blame game and blame God for not giving you what you want. I know in my heart whatever God is doing here is for a reason. It hurts like hell but I have to place all my faith and love in him and truly believe he is going to see us through.