Her obituary was published in the local newspaper today

So her obituary was published today. I received a phone call from the Marshfield Mail last week asking if I would like one published. I thought about it for a while and figured it may help me and Ryan with a little closure. I had my wonderful friend Jill write it up and she did an excellent job. I read it once via email but cant bring myself to open the newspaper to see it. It is beautifully worded and it means so much to myself and Ryan to have had Jill write it. So once again Jill, thank you!!!


Today was OK. Nothing to unbearable. Rowan has been on my mind all day but that is just how it is going to be for a while. Due to my inability to sleep I find myself snapping at my children and husband. I thought it was the medication that I was placed on for anxiety but I was told differentially when I went to see the therapist today. I saw a therapist for the first time today and I found it refreshing to know I'm "normal". That everything I am experiencing it completely normal. I was so happy to find out that he (the therapist) is a christian and only recommends medication if all else fails, but he thinks I will be just fine. I was told this could take over a year to heal from and I will never completely be healed, that Rowan will always be a part of us, of me and that no matter what I will always have that loss. I knew that though. I just want to be able to smile and mean it again, ya know? So, I'm supposed to see this dude weekly then slowly break away when I start to mend a little. So far I like him and hope talking with him will help ease things for me a little. I was told to only allow myself 10-15minn's a day to really grieve for her. Holding her box and just let the tears flow. After that put it away and do the best I can to get through the day, that she will be on my mind regardless but at least I would have gotten that BIG cry out for the evening.

I told him I didnt think I could be happy unless I have a baby now. That I know NO baby will ever replace our Rowan but now I long to hold a baby that is mine, smell that sweet baby smell, nestle up to their soft cheeks. I just don't want this to happen again. I think that would really push me over the edge. He stated I should give myself at least a year, time to heal before trying but I long for one now, I don't think I could wait a year. I guess I will just have to take this one day at a time and rely on God to guide me to the right decision. Then again all this thinking could just be me grieving or hormones.

I did do something I think is a major step.. I shared her memory box with a friend and I held it together really well. I'm proud of myself! There are only a hand full of people I'm comfortable with letting them see the box and its contents. She was the first to see inside besides Ryan and myself so I honestly think it was a big step for me.

Ryan and I had a long talk last night. He and I are 100% against abortion. I don't care the situation, may sound harsh but there is a reason for everything (even Rowan)! Anyway, I skipped out on the early chromosone testing and downs syndrome tests.. Maybe if I would have went through with those tests there could have been something so majorly wrong with her to make us have to consider abortion. Maybe God took that choice off our hands. Obviously there was something wrong otherwise this wouldn't be what it is now. God could have saved us from even more heartache and guilt. Not that this isn't heartbreaking because it is.. This is the most hurtful thing I have had to go through. I wouldn't wish this on anyone!!! To have a child die is HORRIBLE!!! Maybe thought God spared us even more pain.

I just hope I can mend and we can heal together so we can be the Ryan and Erica we need to be for our four other blessings.






Marshfield Mail - Marshfield, Missouri - Neighbor Newspapers > Obituaries > Rowan Marie McCall