So today has been a little rough. It has been one week and two days since Rowan came into this world. I cant say it was the day she was born because she wasn't born she just arrived. I never got the chance to hear her tiny cry or see her open her eyes but I know one day I will have my little angel in my arms. I'm having an issue taking the Xanax prescribed for me. I don't want to take it yet I know it helps. I'm afraid that I will not know if I am healing if I am taking it. What is going to happen when my 20 pills run out? Am I going to feel horrible? I was told I have severe adjustment disorder, but really who wouldn't if they were in my shoes? I guess I'm just afraid. I hate feeling down in the dumps all the time and I don't want to feel this way the rest of my life. Things get bad when I'm alone. My head starts to wonder and is in a million places. That's when the whys? what ifs? etc. come pouring in. If I stay busy I'm OK. It's just staying busy is the issue. Unless I'm made leave my house or I have to go somewhere I have no desire to leave what so ever. I'm just down right now. I feel so empty. Gas bubbles feels like her moving and I have to remind myself she isn't in there anymore. It's so hard to wrap my head around the fact I'm no longer pregnant. I'm supposed to be 22wks over half way to that finish line. Over half way there to getting to hold my baby but that isn't going to happen or me. I'm so heartbroken by all of this and I don't know how to start to mend my heart. I feel like my sadness is taking away from my children, they don't deserve seeing mommy cry all the time.
We visited her grave site yesterday, it was rough but not as bad as I had thought it to be. I saw where the ground had been broken so I know where my baby's resting place is. I don't see going back out there for a while, I just needed to see just for me where they placed her. We left there and went to some nature trails and walked a little. It was a nice time with the kids and everyone enjoyed it. I couldn't help but think I would never be able to take her there to see the beautiful landscape. I swear everywhere I turned I saw pregnant women. I dislike pregnant women now and I cant help it. I'm just so jealous of them. Then there was a man pushing a brand new baby girl while smoking.. just pissed me off. Seeing babies make me cry and pregnant woman piss me off so there you have it.
I know this one wasn't as sincere as my first but I'm bitter today. I know God has a plan I'm just trying my hardest to trust in him and know he has my best interest at heart.
Keep holding on to Him...and remember that He's holding her! I love the picture above, one of my favorites. Father, I ask right now that you would give Erica and Ryan the strength and comfort to make it through this, the hardest thing they've ever experienced. Wrap your loving arms around them so tight that they only feel You. We know that Rowan is snuggling with you right now and we ask that you'd send some more of those precious "breadcrumbs" for the McCalls to follow and see that You're guiding them. In Jesus name I pray, Amen. Hugs girl.
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