Well the day is still young but I'm OK right now. It is 12:45pm, Elmo is going on the ole' boob tube, my two little ones just finished off the last of the strawberries and should be winding down for a nap soon. I plan on taking them for a walk when nap is over. Letting my three year old ride her tricycle along side me pushing her little brother. Just gotta stay occupied! Or I will go crazy and be worthless to everyone. As of last night my husband refuses to talk to me anymore, I guess he is tired of hearing me piss and moan about all of this. It hurts. He told me I just have to get over it that he cant be sympathetic all the time. That no amount of crying is going to change things. I don't need to or want to hear that. I feel like I'm a burden on him and others because I cant carry on a conversation about last nights episode of Celebrity Apprentice because all I think about is "her". Yes I have resorted to "her" today, saying her name doesn't help. I know in the grieving packages the hospital gave me it says to not call her the baby but call her by name. Well I don't want to do that today. I'm OK right now and I think by saying her name that's going to screw everything up. I just want a normal day, but as I write this it's occurring to me that it is all a show. I can fake a smile just as easily as the next. It's what is hidden behind that smile that is taring me apart. I need Ryan to be sympathetic right now!!!! I need him to at least act like this bothers him. I know it's different for the both of us. I carried her, I felt her move, I labored with her and now apparently I'm the crazy one the only one going trough this and it isn't fair!!!
My two littles have drifted into dream land while watching Sesame Street. So now it's all me and my mind which I think I'm slowly losing. I go tomorrow night to the grief support group. I know I'm going to feel odd and out of place I wish someone would go with me. I wish Ryan would/could go. I guess I just feel like it's all on me. It is. It's so hard to "give this to God" because he knows I'm hurting and no matter how much I pray and how many people pray for me and for his comfort I still hurt. I know he is with me I know God is by my side I just want him to take all this pain away. I'm a firm believer things happen for a reason there is a lesson to be learned from every experience. Maybe God felt I didn't deserve her. I said several times during this pregnancy that I didn't want to be pregnant or want another baby. I did though. It was just things happened so soon after Jacob (Jacob being our one year old) that I didn't know how I was going to do this. Now I feel like God gave me a gift and I took it forgranted so he took it back. I do want it!!!!!!!! I want her!!!!!! Maybe I'm a horrible mother and he changed his mind about me being her mommy. I just don't know. It stinks thought!!!! There is something here I'm supposed to learn from and I honestly think it is to not take the gifts God gives us forgranted.
Psalms 4:1
Answer me when I call to you,
O my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
be mercful to me and hear my prayer.
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