My first time blogging so bare with me

Hello, my name is Erica and I have never really done the whole blogging thing. I decided to do this in hopes to help myself heal a little and maybe someone else out there can gain something from my blogs. Let's just jump right in then, OK? I am a mother of five. I have a nine year old, seven year old, three year old, one year old, and very recently lost a little girl. She is the basis of my blog. Her and trying to deal with life after you lose a baby. I thought I knew what it was like to have my heart broken in the past but until I lost her I had no clue. This has and is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I have lost parents and friends but nothing comes close to losing your child.



Wed April 7th I was counting down the minutes to go to my ultrasound. That was the day I had been waiting for almost 21wks. To get a glimpse of my little one stretching, moving, hiding from the camera and most all to see if we were having a boy or a girl. My husband had taken the rest of the day off from work so we could go. However no children were allowed in the office building what so ever so he decided to stay behind to watch our two youngest ones. So I happily drove to the office which was not my regular OB office it was across town. I was giddy and excited for what was to come. I check in, sit down with a Disney Family magazine and await my turn. It wasn't long until I was called back I think I got maybe 15 pages into the magazine. I go back use the restroom then on the table I went. She put the big screen on so I wouldn't have to strain to see my little one. Instantly I had a bad feeling. I told the tech "wow. little one's all bunched up in there." She moved the thing around quite a bit and no movement. I knew something was wrong. I said to her, "somethings not right is it?" she said, "no, there is no heartbeat." She got up and went to get their staff doctor to come in and speak with me. I was a mess by the time he came in. He was very uncaring in a way. He just sat next to me and said, "well your far enough along to where we will have to induce." He informed me he had already called my regular OB whom I was to go see immediately after I left there. I asked if there was a phone I could use, I had to talk to someone and had to tell my husband. So I sat in a private office tears pouring telling my husband our little one had passed away and they couldn't tell me any reason why. They said her anatomy was perfect that these things just happen. I drove across town alone to see my OB in hysterical tears. When I got there they took me strait back. I guess they didn't want me bringing all the pregnant woman down in the office. I sat in one of their extra offices which looked to me like a junk room until the doctor could see me. He seemed very caring, even shed a tear with me. Then told me it was nothing I did these things just happen. At five months you think your out of the wood works when it comes to pregnancy loss. Guess not. He and I spoke of being induced and what would happen afterwards and what could happen. He said he didn't want to do it that day, that I needed time to wrap my head around the whole situation, he couldn't do it Thursday because it was his surgery day and Friday he was taking off. So he wanted me to come in Sat morning @ 7am. He would give me ambien to help me sleep until then. I drove home, the loneliest drive I have ever drove. I came in and couldn't hold back the tears, I didn't want my kids to see me upset but that has proven not to work. I cry all the time now and I cant help it. I was on the phone with my sister when my older two came running in so excited to hear if it was a boy or girl. The first thing out of my nine year old mouth was "so, boy or girl, please be boy." I lost it and hung up on my sister and my husband had to tell them there was not going to be a baby. That the baby went to heaven while in Mommy's tummy. I sent my kids to church that night with a friend, Ryan (my husband, just dawned on me I had not said his name on here yet) and I needed some time together. I made it through Wed night but Thursday I couldn't take it. I guess I snapped in some way. I couldn't wait two more days of being that sad and upset knowing the worst was yet to come. I knew Sat. would be the hardest day of my life. I didn't want to couldn't wait, I had to go ahead and and get the hardest part over with. I called my OB and got another doctors nurse and they told me to go ahead into labor and delivery. I waited until my children came home and were settled with who they were going to be staying with. All I can say is I have some wonderful people in my life who rallied together to have my children taken care of and I thank them all so much!!! I know we are blessed to have friends that care as much as our friends do. We got to labor and delivery around 7pm Thursday and they explained what all they were going to do and how long I should expect it to be. I met the on call doctor who seemed to be very pleasant. My nurses were wonderful and caring. I was to have a pill inserted into my cervix that would make it soft so it would be easier to deliver without contracting much. I was so hurt by all of this. I asked the nurse if there was any way they could be wrong, maybe the machine wasn't working that day. It was so hard hearing they weren't wrong my baby was already in heaven. She inserted the pill in my cervix and started pitocin. I was offered an epidural but I couldn't. I associated that with having a baby and I was having a baby but not to keep. It's so hard knowing you have to labor with a baby you cant bring home. I didn't know we were having a girl until we had her. I had her @ 4:45am Friday April 9th. She was 2.4oz and 7inches long. She was so beautiful! I didn't expect her to look so much like a baby. She had dark fuzzy hair, not enough to cut but it was there. Tiny hands with all her fingers, tiny baby feet with all ten toes. I only held her feet, I think now if I had picked her up I wouldn't have let her go. Ryan chose not to look at her, this whole experience was hard enough. We named her Rowan Marie. This wasn't supposed to me!! This wasn't ment to be for me. not for my life. I say these things but then realise, yes it was ment for me. Why, I don't know. I may never know. All I know now is how much this hurts. We were sent home the same day. I was given a box of things she touched, photos, a memory book and some other items that she was either on or pictured with. Most women get to leave holding their babies I got to leave holding a box. It was so hard leaving, leaving her. I know she wasn't there that she is in our heavenly fathers arms but I wish she were in mine. The hospital does the burial if you are under 22wks. So she should have been buried this week. We had the choice to do it ourselves but I feel that if we had done it I would never want to leave. That I would feel like I was abandoning her if we were to go out of town so Ryan felt it better to have them do it. I will got out there soon just to do it. Im not sure where she will be buried but it will be around a monument for babies such as Rowan.


Now it's to the healing, how do I do that? How do I begin to be normal Erica again? I cant even stand to look at my one year olds baby bed, or pass by the closet where we have Rowan's memory box without crying. The hospital accidentally put a bottle of Johnson's baby shampoo in the bag they give you full of pads and I cant stop smelling it. Thinking this is what my baby would have smelt like. It sits on my computer desk open as I write this, I occasionally get a good whiff of it. My kids don't get why mommy is so sad and they don't deserve seeing me like this. My seven year old just being a kid has decided to share our information with the world, but that is just a kid being a kid. I cant help but for it to bother me though when someone she has told that I have no clue who is comes to me and tells me how sorry they are for my loss. I'm so sick of people who don't even know my name come up and say how sorry they are. This isn't fair at all.. I'm trying my hardest not to be, why me? poor poor pitiful me etc. but it is hard. I don't want to question God but that is hard too. Why let me be pregnant five months if I don't get the reward at the end? Did God change his mind? I just don't get it. It just isn't fair.