So I guess this is just going to be an up and down kinda thing. Yesterday wasn't so bad I had a few moments where I couldn't hold it together but other than that did everything in my power to stay busy so I couldn't let myself feel what my mind wanted me to. I thought of her all day and that has proven the same so far for today as well. I even placed applications at three stores to try and get a job doing something over night. It isn't like I sleep in the first place, plus if I do get hired on somewhere my mind will have to be focused on whatever I'm doing and not drift into a million directions like they have been every night for the past ten days. I drove 45minns to and fro to pick up a desk I found on Craigslist by myself and had a nice conversation with God. I know he loves me and I know he is with me through this. Still though I wonder why! Why me? Why us? It's hard not to do that. It is hard not to question God when you lose a child. At least I know Rowan (saying her name today) is in a place so so so much better than here. She will never have to deal with the harshness of this world. Never have her heart broken or be disappointed. Still even saying that I wish things were different. I wish I could still feel her wiggles in my belly wish she were safely growing inside me. I wish I could rewind time and make it to where this had never happened. Or maybe wake up and all of this had just been a horrible dream. I'm selfish for wanting her here when I know she is in Heaven and nothing can top that.
I sold ALL the baby items I was saving and had bought. A load of things for $10. I had to get them out of here, just another reminder of what isn't to be. I have had my husband move our one year olds crib in his older brothers room for now. Ryan and Zeke (my 9yo) are doing bed times for Jacob so I don't have to see his bed. A bed! Really, how crazy is it to cry or get totally bummed out when you see a bed? As I was folding the ton of laundry from our room today I slipped and thought, "this would be a good place for the new babies bed." After I said it, it hit me. So I spent a chunk of the morning crying while folding laundry. God never promised me a happy life where I would remain untouched by heartache. He promised something much better and I just have to get out of this slump. Regardless slump or no slump I have to live for him so I can see my little one again one day.
GOD SAID NO!
I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary.
I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.
I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; happiness is up to you.
I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.
I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.
I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life,
so that you may enjoy all things.
I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said... Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.
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