I find myself dreaming about her every time I dose off. I slept a little better last night with a little less medication, I guess going on so little sleep has finally taken it's toll. I'm almost afraid to go to sleep tonight because I know I will dream of her again and I will have to wake up. Last night she was in the most beautiful white bassinet. It was trimmed in lace and she was in a white lace trimmed layette with a little bonnet on. I could only look at her, for some reason I couldn't pick her up, She was content and happy just laying there, but I could smell her. She smelled so sweet.. You know the wonderful baby smell? That was what it was. It was so real. She had puffy cheeks like Amiah but a darker completion and eyes like Keirsten. When we had her, she looked (to me) like Keirsten. I have this one photo of Keirsten in her baby bath that I know Rowan would look like that. I wish now that Ryan and I would have taken our own photos of her. The ones the hospital took were horrible, then again when I saw her I only saw one side and the side I saw was more developed than the photos that I have show. Hindsight is 20/20 and going in we didn't even want to see her, but I changed my mind after I came out of surgery. My little fairy baby with her little fairy hands and feet. UGH! I wish I could just turn this off and stop talking and thinking about her. I feel like everyone expects me to be "over" it by now. That is one of the main reasons I'm so protective of her box and photos. I don't want someone looking at her pictures and saying "She was so under developed, why are you still this upset?" because sadly I know people that would say that or something close. Ya know what though!! No matter the development; life starts at conception and she was and will always be my baby! I carried her, felt her move, her hiccups, her extreme like or extreme dislike of kit kats, I labored with her and most of all I loved her.
I received a call from my friend Adam today, he can only call us once a month and had no clue what had been going on. The last time we spoke was around the middle of last month. So, one of the first things out of his mouth was "how did your ultrasound go?" so had to tell him the whole spill. It's hard to talk about what has happened but it's getting easier to talk about her. I don't know if that makes sense or not. Our fifteen minute conversation was mainly me blubbering in the phone.
Ya know I have been praying for months for God to use me, to open a door for me to talk to someone about him and his glory. I didn't mean it this way!!! I didn't want to lose something to help someone else gain something. I guess it isn't about what we want but rather what we need. How though could I possibly "need" to go through this? It is so hard not to question God and all these things. I just have to know that there is a reason there was a reason and I have to now find a way to use this to glorify him in all of this. It's hard when the wounds are still so fresh. I will get there though!
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