OK, so today started as me obsessively looking up photos of other babies born at the same time (gestational age) as Rowan. Trying to find one that remotely resembled how Rowan looked. OK, I didn't get to see Rowan right away. Right after had her I was rushed to the OR because the placenta refused to detach from my uterus and it was causing some serious bleeding (an over share I know) anyway I didn't see her right away. I have no clue how long I was out after surgery. I just remember waking up and I had a new nurse asking me if I would like to see my daughter. Ryan and I both went in saying that we did not want to see her, that it could cause more grief than not seeing her. I changed my mind at the last chance to see her. Ryan did not. He couldn't he still cant look at her photos. He has seen one or two of the pictures but I feel as though I'm shielding him from the others. When I woke up, I could have been groggy due the the mass amount of meds I had been given but when I saw her she looked like a perfectly formed baby. She had a little black fuzz where her hair was starting to grow, I counted all her fingers and toes. I held her legs. I didn't pick her up I let her lay there she looked peaceful. I only saw the left side of her face. She was perfect then and there. Apparently they took photos of here while I was in the OR. They are horrible, not of the perfect baby I saw. She clearly had something wrong with her. So now I'm kicking myself for those genetic tests they recommend at your 12Th week. Also pissed at myself for not having them check her after I had her. I chose not to do the 12wk testing because on both my boys something came back. So I had to be rechecked and they turned up being fine. I figured even if there was something wrong it didn't matter, that baby would be ours regardless. Ryan and I are 100% against abortion so whatever could have come back wouldn't matter. I chose not to get her tested after we had her because personally if had died for some unknown reason wouldn't want anyone cutting me up to find out why. I know it's just the body but that body was the body of my baby and couldn't see to agreeing with that. So now I'm am left wondering what the heck happened. I'm convinceded that she had a birth defect due to the photos that I have of her. The not knowing is killing me!!! Oh my goodness I think maybe if I knew what went wrong I can ease up a bit. I know I keep going on and on about the testing and what not... It is just hard not to when it comes to your child dieing. Hindsight is 20/20 and didn't know I would feel this way about the whole knowing part but I really wish I knew so I can let up a little. So that is me today!
If I didnt have such amazing friends here I know Ryan and myself would have lost it by now.. Thank you all! (You know who you are and we love you all)!!!
I Couldn't Stay Long
You planted me, Lord,
in the womb of my mother
and let me know love
unlike that of another.
I couldn't stay long,
but I will never forget
the way mom and dad
took care of me yet.
Please trust in the Lord
and soon you will see,
to some that's a lifetime
that will never be.
God must have loved us
an awful lot
to let our souls touch
Though our arms could not.
I have to go now,
but please know I'm okay
Remember I love you
and I will see you one day!
my ex husband and I didnt want to see jordan at first either, but the second I gave birth I jumped up to look at him, i just couldnt go without it. I knew I would always regret it if I didnt, and Im so thankful I did. I was on so much meds i dont remember much from the few mins when he was alive which i hate. but then once I woke up they brought him back to me after he had already passed. I did everything you did, counted his fingers and toes, he looked like a fully formed baby too, even had bushy eyebrows coming in, which always made me wonder if he was further along then they thought.
ReplyDeletebut the hospital didnt take pictures of him til 4 days after he passed, which look horrible. not the baby i remember, i hide the picture away and dont look at it, because i want to remember him how he looked in his other pictures.