OK, so I haven't blogged in four days. I haven't been up to the task. Seems like my hour by hour is a roller coaster but I'm getting by. I have to. I'm sleeping OK now but only with the help of ambien. My doctor told me to try chewing it up and that seems to be doing the trick. I tried to sleep the night before last without it and tossed and turned, mind racing for hours. I finally gave in and took one. At least I'm functional during the day when I take them.
Mothers day SUCKED but that was to be expected. I walked out of church because the music.. I couldn't hold back my tears any longer, the day had already started out emotional, it was Mothers day. I am blessed to have four kids here who love me and showed me over and over again this passed Sunday. So it wasn't all bad, I was just for the main part down all day.
I'm going to try out a support group recommended by my doctor. It's called MEND Mothers Enduring Neonatal Death. I go June 3rd, maybe that will help.. I dunno maybe it will make things worse. I'm a mess so I just don't know. One minute I think I will be OK but I turn around and something reminds me of where I'm supposed to be or what I have went through and who I have lost then it all starts over. All the feelings of guilt, remorse, anger, hurt, I could go on and on. I feel different hour by hour that's why the roller coaster comment. I don't want to be on this ride anymore though. I want to skip all the dips and stick with the highs but that is unlikely to happen. Keep trying to remind myself God didn't do this to hurt me or because he doesn't love me. He knew how much this would hurt me and knows what I'm going through but all things are done for a reason, his plan. I totally think his plan sucks right now but who's to say in the future I wont look back and see his reasoning for Rowan. I have faith that God knows what hes doing, after all he is God. I just wish that it wasn't like this. However I've said it before and I will say it again, I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason, a lesson to be learned from everything. Just wish I wasn't delt this hand. Wishing isn't going to change what has happened. I have to keep pushing forward and holding on to the Lord, trusting in him to see me through.
Erica, you WILL make it through, with His help and the support of good friends. We love you guys and continually pray for you. I was thinking the other day, maybe the reason Jacob is such a snuggle bunny is because God knew that you needed him to be there as your grieve for Rowan. He's not the wee baby that you long for, and no one will take Rowan's place but when you feel the need to just sit back and cuddle, Jacob is perfect!
ReplyDelete