How can you miss someone you never really got the chance to meet

You know that little knot that sits in the back of your throat when your holding back the tears? That knot that makes you want to gag. That makes you feel one hundred times worse than what you "think" you should feel at that exact moment, because your supposed to be strong, your supposed to put on a happy face and smile even though your broken. That knot, is becoming a permanent part of me. If I cry, if I let it all out, where does that put me when the tears have been wiped away? Will letting it all out bring her back? Will I suddenly be seven months pregnant if I give in and cry? Will all this have just been a horrible dream? No. Sadly I know crying wont change a thing. Nothing will make this situation any more bearable that what it already is. Crying will make it worse. So, I sit here put on a painted smile, grin and bare it so to speak and live with that knot in the back of my throat.

How can you miss someone you never really got the chance to meet? I miss Rowan so much! Her not being here, growing inside me is a painful absence that I have to some how learn to live with. I don't want this task! I don't want to be the mother who lost her baby! I don't want to be the sad mother who would rather stay curled in a ball crying than get out of bed so I can enjoy the children I have with me. I pray and I pray and I pray for God to help ease this, to send me a sign things will get better or that he is even listening and still I am at this stage. I thought things would be getting a little easier by now. I thought time heals all. Some days are better than others, some days I can function "normal" others I'm a complete mess. Maybe I should rephrase that...Some hours I can function "normal" others I'm a complete mess. I guess I would rather have ups and downs than just a constant down. Just wish there were more ups these days for me.