No Closure...

Had my final OB appointment today. I took my photo of Rowan up there in hopes he could tell me what he "Thought" it was. To me I honestly was thinking birth defect but according to him, she was perfectly formed. He said he checked her head to toe after delivery and found nothing wrong with her. He said in most cases it was a cord incident but he remembered checking hers and couldn't find anything wrong. Now I'm left with the not knowing. I have to now accept the fact I will never know what caused my little Rowan to die. The not knowing it eating me up. I honestly cant say I can ever be OK with the not knowing. I am afraid that if I don't have something, some sort of closure I'm going to go off the deep end. I am holding on to God as hard and as tight as I can. There is a song b Josh Wilson called "Savior Please" and the verse "I can't do this alone, God I need you to hold onto me" keeps playing in my head over and over again. I can't do this without him. Yet I'm mad at him, I am a million and one different feelings all in one and I don't know where to begin to work through one to get to the next. I was given a pamphlet to a group called MEND it is for women and men who have gone through what I'm going through, they meet tomorrow night and I'm going to try to make it. I think it would be good for me. I have met online so many mother who have lost their little ones and it helps me feel less alone. I know no one can truly know how the other person feels or felt even though they have been through the same or similar situations. Everyone feels differently, everyone grieves differentially, but it's nice to know someone else has been in these shoes, has some insight as to what I'm going through. I didn't realise how much all this was effecting Ryan until this week. It has been a rough week for him. I just pray God can help mend his and my heart a little. At least enough were we are the parents we should be for our other four.

There will be a time when all of the pieces will fit together and we will understand the reason for the pain.