I know God is on my side

So we went out to Resurrection Cemetery after church this morning. Layed flowers out for our Rowan Marie. It was a very emotional moment. Not just for me but for Ryan as well, at least I know he isn't made of pure stone anymore. So please if you get a chance say a prayer for my family tonight. It was a hard trip. We want to go biweekly for a little bit, if just to bring flowers. Then maybe I can slowly transition out of going bi weekly to once monthly then so on and so forth. I just feel I need to be out there for here. Even though I know she isn't there, she is somewhere so much better it's just getting e mind to connect to the truth when dealing with grief.

I had a really hard day yesterday, not just dealing with Rowan but other issues of my up bring came up and having that load all at once was a bit much. So thankful my friend Kendal rescued me from me and the torture I put myself through. We went grocery shopping. We were accompanied by her two wonderful kids, it was fun seeing how exited they were to try every sample at Sam's.

I am now officially out of my anxiety medication, I go to the doctor tomorrow and I'm afraid to ask for more at the moment. I don want to be labeled a "seeker". I don't think I need something long term just something to make it where I enjoy leaving the house some days. I think I could easily shut everyone out, just curl in a ball and stay that way some days but with what they have me on it helps, I can notice a difference. However if you know my I fear all medication. Addiction runs in my family and I cant let that be me. My kids deserve better, I deserve better.

I know God is on my side and we are to lean on him when things get tough but I find myself bitter sometimes, I know Ive said it before if I were where I was a year ago I would have completely turned my back on Christ by now. I can see how easy it would be. But I look at all the good he has done for my family and I know things will be tough and we have to push through the bad to get to the good, so im holding on to my faith and hope that things will get better.

You know what? I have complete faith things will get better, God is going to see me through. He didn't promise me a life with sparkles and glitter but he did promise if I remain faithful and believe in him eternal life and who could pass that up? My eternal life with him will also include eternal life with my precious Rowan. We just have to take the bad with the good and go with it regardless the bad we are given. Not saying that isn't hard because it is. Ive been through a load of crap in my like, I will admit nothing comes close to what we are dealing with now but we will get by and things will start looking up for us soon.

found thins while working on a study book my friend Jill gave me and it spoke to me so I have decided to share...

2Timothy 2:11-13

If we died with him
       We will also live with him
If we endure <---------------------I have to endure this and push forward with Christ on my side
       We will also reign with him <-------------and I will get my reward in the end
If we disown him <----------------I can not turn my back on him reguardless
       He will also disown us
If we are faithless
       He will remain faithful<-------He will never give up on us