I wonder

Today is just another day that goes by like nothing has changed except you. My sister said it best in one of her Facebook updates, "It's not fair that when people die time doesn't stop. It keeps on going as if it doesn't care that another good person is gone and you're dying inside.". That is so true. Time keeps ticking no matter what happens. It feels like your the only one time has stopped for and your trapped. You see everyone else going about their lives like nothing happened. Why cant I go on about mine? I'm the only one still grieving this and I feel all cried out. I'm just numb to all of this now, like I cant cry anymore but I still feel all the pain. Will it ever go away? Guessing that my roller coaster is on a down at the moment.

I have accepted this is what it is and that's all it can be. I have come to terms with the fact I lost my little girl, that her life was cut short way to soon (she was supposed to bury me not the other way around!). I have accepted the fact I am not pregnant, that I had a daughter named Rowan who is not here with me. I know God has a plan and I know that this was part of his plan! I know God loves me so much and that he too has felt the loss of a child, he sent his own son to be out savior by giving up his life so we could live. I know this! I have accepted it, now when does this hole in my heart heal?

This girl at the park yesterday asked me how many children I had, I told her four. It's better than saying. " I have had five but I have four." I felt guilty not saying five. Maybe I'm beating myself up not wanting the outside world to think that I see my Rowan as an afterthought. However it's much less complicated to just say four. I know I have five, just one isn't here on earth with the others. Anyway, she then asked if I was done having children. I held it together. ( I'm becoming so good at this I can even fake myself out some days) I told her it was not in the stars for me to have another right now but maybe in the future.

I know Rowan is up there safe, she will never have to feel pain or sorrow. I wonder if she has met up with my Mama, or my grandparents, maybe James, Susan, or Eric? I wonder... Im sure if she hasent she will get around to it sooner or later she has eternity. I know one day she will meet up with me! Until then I will do whatever I can to be a faithful servent to the Lord and the best mom and wife I can be

God saw you getting tired and a cure was not

to be. So he put his arms around you and whispered "come to me." With

tearful eyes I watched you,and saw you pass away. Although I loved

you dearly, I could not make you stay. A golden heart stopped

beating, hardworking hands at rest....God broke my heart to prove to me, He only

...takes the BEST.