Guess I need to make up for it. Yesterday was an hour by hour roller coaster. Not a very fun ride either. I got up had to drop some paperwork off at our lawyers office by 11am so had to drive to the town over. It is about 45minns + of a drive. I had to be out there at 2pm for my therapy appointment anyway and there was no way I was making two trips with it being that far so. Jacob, Amiah and myself made a day of it and went to the good ole' Bass Pro shop. Just to look at the fish. That was fun! I love seeing their faces when they discover something new and that was their first trip there so it was a good time. It made me want to go fishing. I do believe a fishing trip should be in order now. Not sure about MO laws when it comes to fishing, so need to look all that junk up before I start planning anything. I think the kids would like it. I grew up on a lake and the beach so fishing for a while was my thing..lol. It was basically all we ate while we lived at Bass Lake in GA. I think I was nine or ten. Anyway my up bring needs a whole blog to itself..ha ha. So, we did that then went to the famous golden arches for lunch. Ive been trying to stay away from fast food and if I know we are to be out of town for a while I will pack something but forgot the packed lunches on the counter, so had to do something. Had two hungry mouths to feed.
After that we headed over to St. John's Behavioral Health to see Brent Fletcher. I honestly think I can do this without dishing out $35 a week for him to hear me sobb. He said some crazy junk about being able to control your dreams...blah blah blah. He thinks I have borderline OCD. I knew that. Diagnosed with that many of year ago along with severe anxiety in social situations or enclosed spaces. I keep my crazies to myself so not to many people know that about me...Guess they do now. Too bad I have never been ocd about cleaning, that would be a positive of having it..ha ha. (Plus God has made me over come a lot when it comes to the ocd and anxiety issues.) He thinks me looking up birth defects and trying to find a baby that looks like he will re trigger my mind to an ocd stage. I think I'm a grieving mother who wants closure! I think by finding something anything out about why this happened I can give it a rest and move on with my life.
Ya know, I think I'm doing GREAT considering it hasn't even been a month. I think I'm doing awesome! I have no choice but to be doing great or awesome.
I know Rowan is being taken care of I know that, however I wish it were me being the one who is caring for her. I just have to accept that it is what it is and put my all into careing for Zeke, Keirsten, Amiah, Jacob and Ryan also myself.
sweetheart, you are doing better than awesome!
ReplyDeleteYou are spending time with your family, while remembering the precious one you lost. It's hard for a DR that's never felt what you are going through to be able to tell you how you should handle it. Cope the way it heals you the most.