Maybe our dreams are more than just entertainment while we sleep...

Three days and my doctor is expecting me to have written Rowan a letter. Ive started several times just can only get a few lines on the page before I put it away, saying I will finish it later. I never have that kind of time to finish the letter. I know as many times as I have started and put it away, if I would have just kept going with it I would have a letter by now but what I want to say and how I feel change on a daily basis.. I think my blog here is just going to have to do for a while and maybe make a letter to my daughter a next week project.


My day could go either way right now so I'm not sure how I'm doing. I guess I'm ok at the moment. Hope it stays that way.

I know God loves me and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will see Rowan when I pass on from this earth. I have had forget me nots in my dreams the past two nights. I read a poem a few days back and posted an insert from it on a photo of some beautiful forget me nots. The night before last was me walking in my grandmothers back yard. She loved to garden and had a beautiful rose garden. In the dream I ran over to see if the roses were there and underneath them were forget me nots. I wonder if that is God letting me know Rowan is with my grandmother. Last night I was in a wooded area and the floor was covered with forget me nots, that is all I remember of that one. I have always been one of those people to look into things too much. Look at how I'm obsessing over finding out what happened with her or what was wrong with her. I will probably never know but that wont stop me. I'm like that with dreams as well. Maybe our dreams mean more than just rest time entertainment.

Left to wonder...

OK, so today started as me obsessively looking up photos of other babies born at the same time (gestational age) as Rowan. Trying to find one that remotely resembled how Rowan looked. OK, I didn't get to see Rowan right away. Right after had her I was rushed to the OR because the placenta refused to detach from my uterus and it was causing some serious bleeding (an over share I know) anyway I didn't see her right away. I have no clue how long I was out after surgery. I just remember waking up and I had a new nurse asking me if I would like to see my daughter. Ryan and I both went in saying that we did not want to see her, that it could cause more grief than not seeing her. I changed my mind at the last chance to see her. Ryan did not. He couldn't he still cant look at her photos. He has seen one or two of the pictures but I feel as though I'm shielding him from the others. When I woke up, I could have been groggy due the the mass amount of meds I had been given but when I saw her she looked like a perfectly formed baby. She had a little black fuzz where her hair was starting to grow, I counted all her fingers and toes. I held her legs. I didn't pick her up I let her lay there she looked peaceful. I only saw the left side of her face. She was perfect then and there. Apparently they took photos of here while I was in the OR. They are horrible, not of the perfect baby I saw. She clearly had something wrong with her. So now I'm kicking myself for those genetic tests they recommend at your 12Th week. Also pissed at myself for not having them check her after I had her. I chose not to do the 12wk testing because on both my boys something came back. So I had to be rechecked and they turned up being fine. I figured even if there was something wrong it didn't matter, that baby would be ours regardless. Ryan and I are 100% against abortion so whatever could have come back wouldn't matter. I chose not to get her tested after we had her because personally if had died for some unknown reason wouldn't want anyone cutting me up to find out why. I know it's just the body but that body was the body of my baby and couldn't see to agreeing with that. So now I'm am left wondering what the heck happened. I'm convinceded that she had a birth defect due to the photos that I have of her. The not knowing is killing me!!! Oh my goodness I think maybe if I knew what went wrong I can ease up a bit. I know I keep going on and on about the testing and what not... It is just hard not to when it comes to your child dieing. Hindsight is 20/20 and didn't know I would feel this way about the whole knowing part but I really wish I knew so I can let up a little. So that is me today!

If I didnt have such amazing friends here I know Ryan and myself would have lost it by now.. Thank you all! (You know who you are and we love you all)!!!

I Couldn't Stay Long

You planted me, Lord,

in the womb of my mother

and let me know love

unlike that of another.

I couldn't stay long,

but I will never forget

the way mom and dad

took care of me yet.

Please trust in the Lord

and soon you will see,

to some that's a lifetime

that will never be.

God must have loved us

an awful lot

to let our souls touch

Though our arms could not.

I have to go now,

but please know I'm okay

Remember I love you

and I will see you one day!

I should be buying pink baby clothes now...

So I'm realizing my ups and Downs are not a day by day thing they are more of an hour by hour thing. I was OK until this evening when I saw a woman on television doing a ultrasound. It was an ad for Ultrasound Techs being in high demand. It brought my head to seeing Rowan's ultrasound. How she was all curled up not moving. That day wasn't supposed to be like it was. I should be buying pink baby clothes now not crying on a daily basis that there isnt a pot of gold at the of my rainbow. As a matter of fact my rainbow melted out of the sky and turned gray. I get so overwhelmed with everything I just want to scream or my chest gets so tight It feels like I cant take another breath unless I force it. I keep telling everyone I'm going to be OK almost in a way like I'm trying to convince myself that I will be OK. I honestly don't know. I wish I could honestly say I'm OK but I don't even know. I am trying my damndest to make lemonade out of a ton of lemons and I don't know where to begin.

I know that true healing comes from turning all this over to the lord but I am having a hard day doing that. If only it were different!!!

 

 

If you learn from your suffering, and really come to

understand the lesson you were taught,
you might be able to help someone else
who's now in the phase you may have just completed.
Maybe that's what it's all about after all...

Count Your Blessings....

So today I figured I would tell you about my four other children and how awesomely blessed I am that these four kids call me mom.

My oldest child is Ezekial, but everyone calls him Zeke. I myself call him Zekey Pooh! He is my Zekey Pooh! I had Zeke at a very young age so he and I in a sense grew up together. Or better yet, having Zeke made me grow up. My family up bring was a mess and I never wanted my children going through anything I had to go through growing up. I may get some hate on this from family members who read my blog but c'mon you know! That's all I'd like to say about that (Said like Forest Gump). Anyway, I was not married when I got pregnant with Zeke but something inside me, let's just say I had a strong desire to do things as right as I could at that point. So Ryan and I were married, I was seven months pregnant when we said our "I do's". A couple months pass and we have the most precious little boy ever. He has since been topped by Jacob in the precious dept...lol. jk. Anyway, Zeke was my everything. Everything Ryan and myself did was for him. He is now nine almost ten and the most awesome nine almost ten year old you could ever meet. He's very loving, caring, he has a true love for others and God. He is funny, always trying to get a laugh out of you. Smart as can be. So respectful and most of all he is mine and I love him so much.

When Zeke was fifteen months old we decided to add to the mix and try for number two. Right away we got pregnant with Keirsten. I wanted a boy never in my life did I ever picture having a girl so boy were we surprised when the doctor said "it's a girl". Once I held her I knew she was what I wanted not a boy but this beautiful little girl that God had blessed me with. Keirsty was born nine days after Zeke's second birthday (makes party planning easier to mesh them together, so Ive learned). She was born @ 37wks and had really bad jaundice. She ended up staying in the hospital five extra day which stunk! I wanted my baby home with me but what was best for her health was what we were going to do. She was such a beautiful baby and I know if Rowan would have made it she would of looked just like Keirsten. Keirsten is very opinionated and set in her own ways, she reminds me of me when I was her age, Just not as bad. She loves people and would do anything to make someone down smile. That is just my Keirsty Keys. I was looking at pictures of me the other day when I was her age and I do believe she looks like me. She is my mini me :) Such a sweet little girl and I don't know what I would do without my Keirsty hugs and kissies! Love that girl so much!

Four year break here...lol. So When I was pregnant with Keirsten Ryan took a job mixing ink for a printing business. The ink was toxic, no one knew that at the time. It didn't do anything super harmful but it ruined your sperm. Made it to where you produced nada. So we thought we were done. We were OK with just the two we had a boy and a girl so we had all we needed, right? Well we go on vacation, took the kids to Disney, Universal, Lakeland (to visit Ryan's family) we come home and I'm sick, sick as can be. Doesn't help that the day I came home from vacation I was fired from my job. That's life though and it stunk!!!! Well a month past and I'm still feeling gross. We had no clue we could even get pregnant but when I went to see my doctor they tested just to be on the safe side and guess what?........I was pregnant!

So when I was six months pregnant we made the best choice of our lives and Ryan took a job in Missouri. I found a very political and opinionated doctor I will never forget this guy, in the mid of an exam he demanded to know what I had voted on the stem cell research thin they had a few years back. I didn't vote, we had just moved here and I wasn't registered just yet. He was a strange one, I have a knack for picking out the odd ball doctors...lol

So November 15, 2006 we welcomed Amiah into this world. I was induced with her and had to do it all alone. We didn't know anyone up here so I solo'd the whole birthing experience.. Which gt pretty scary for a second there. She wasn't tolerating me laying on a certain side so her heart rate dropped low enough for them to prep the operating room.. SCARY! Everything went well and we had our second little girl. She looked soooo much different than Zeke and Keirsten, sometimes still have to convince myself I'm her mother. She is now three years old with kinky curly red hair and looks JUST like her daddy and her aunt Amy. Shes a ball of energy and it takes every bit of me to keep up with this one. Sassy too so so sassy. She thinks she is a little diva. I love Amiah's random hug attacks! You never know when it's coming but you know sooner or later she will be running to hug you. I love it though. She is something else. We were told when she was six months she had a ball joint problem and probably would never walk and if she did it would be with braces but God changed that and she is perfect! Everything fixed itself and you cant tell that there is anything wrong with her. Her right leg turns in a tiny bit, but you would never know unless you freakishly stared my little girl down for a while...lol She was our surprise baby. We honestly didn't think we would be able to have more and God blessed me with her.

So we go on vacation to FL again, do the whole Disney thing and come back and guess what? We are expecting baby number four! Must be something in the FL water...lol. We had Jacob Feb 7th 2009. By then we had amazing people in our lives and they helped with the other three so I would not have to be alone having Jacob. Jacob is now 14mo's old and like Amiah I have to remind myself he is mine. He looks just like Zeke did when he was a baby but with blond hair and blue eye. He is perfect. He has overactive kidneys so he pees constantly!!!!! Other than that he is a precious gift from the lord. He is my little snuggle bunny and so loving. He loves to snuggle! My sweet precious little guy. I know he would have made an awesome big brother but God had other plans for our little Rowan Marie and plans for Jacob to stay our baby for a little while longer.

You know that song, Count Your Blessings? Well I do daily when I see these four gifts from God.. I truly have been blessed! So no matter how down I get about Rowan I know I have been blessed. God is good he isn't doing these things to hurt us, though it feels that way sometimes. He loves us all so much! Everyone has their own trial's to g through in life you just have to make sure you come out on top with love for God in your heart and a whole heap of faith. Satan wants us to fail. He is everywhere trying to bring us down and I know he looks at events such as Rowans death as an opportunity to creep his way in and try to turn you on the lord. Be strong! I try to tell myself this daily because to be honest it is hard VERY hard!

Second Guessing...

Beating myself up today with the cold ofs and should ofs. I wish I would of had the early birth defect testing done now the not knowing is really getting to me. Obviously there was something wrong just wish I knew. Then I opted out on having her tested after we had her but now I'm second guessing everything. UGH! I just wish I knew what caused this. So that has been my day. Went to the WIC office to re-certify. Babies and pregnant woman everywhere. I held it together pretty good I must say. Everyone who works there knows me and what happened. They kept going on and on about how beautifully written her obituary was.. Thank you once again Jill. Wanda even had it taped behind one of the pc's said it was very inspirational and she hoped I didn't mind. Which I don't just wish I would have had a heads up before I saw it. They were wonderful up there so it didn't go so bad I guess. The post it note on my folder said mother recert/stillborn that kinda got to me but what can you do. The world cant stop or change on my behalf. I don't want people to feel as though I'm surrounded by egg shells I just want things to be normal once again.

 
 
 

 
 

A Peek Into Heaven

By Callie Sanders Thornton

Just one little peek into heaven,

Is all I'm asking for today.

I just want to know how she's doing,

And heaven seems so far away.

Is she playing on the clouds with angels?

Is she laughing and running today?

Does she miss me?

I guess only she knows.

Oh why does heaven seem so far away?

If you just let me look for a moment,

To catch a glimpse of her sweet smiling face,

I promise I won't try to take her,

I know, she's in a better place.

Just one little peek into heaven,

Is all I'm asking for today.

I just want to know how she's doing,

And heaven seems so far away...

please don't say

So today has been so so. This morning was rough! We overslept to check out a new church so I was left with nothing to do. Tried to listen to the service online but it locked up my pc. I really wanted to go take flowers out to Rowans burial site but if it wasn't the weather holding me back it was my husband. He had one excuse after the other mainly blamed him not wanting to drive out there on the weather, but it didn't rain. Foowie on him. So I layed in bed with my thoughts for quite some time this am.

At noon I went and joined a gym..Woohoo.. Something to keep not just me but my mind occupied. I don't think I have worked out that hard in my life. Thought it a good idea to keep me occupied and my mind on something other than what I have been dwelling in over the past two weeks.

FYI I do not feel as though I had a miscarriage.. So please don't say "Well I know how you feel because I had a miscarriage too." it isn't like that. What happened to me/Rowan was considered spontaneous fetal death followed by actually going into labor (ya know, contractions, water breaking, pushing and stuff?). So PLEASE PLEASE stop saying I had a miscarriage!! I have had three miscarriages all within the first month of pregnancy so I know what a miscarriage is, this isn't it. I had a baby, one I could hold and touch one I named!

I know people don't mean anything by it but, yes it offends me a little when that is said. I guess I'm just pissy today! Cant help it, I open the sales paper and it is all baby items, everywhere I look I see pregnant women or babies. I swear I'm losing it. I did sleep last night, didn't dream though. If I did I don't remember. All this stinks!  I know if I didnt have God in my life I would be much more of a mess than I am.

Hard when the wounds are still so fresh...

I find myself dreaming about her every time I dose off. I slept a little better last night with a little less medication, I guess going on so little sleep has finally taken it's toll. I'm almost afraid to go to sleep tonight because I know I will dream of her again and I will have to wake up. Last night she was in the most beautiful white bassinet. It was trimmed in lace and she was in a white lace trimmed layette with a little bonnet on. I could only look at her, for some reason I couldn't pick her up, She was content and happy just laying there, but I could smell her. She smelled so sweet.. You know the wonderful baby smell? That was what it was. It was so real. She had puffy cheeks like Amiah but a darker completion and eyes like Keirsten. When we had her, she looked (to me) like Keirsten. I have this one photo of Keirsten in her baby bath that I know Rowan would look like that. I wish now that Ryan and I would have taken our own photos of her. The ones the hospital took were horrible, then again when I saw her I only saw one side and the side I saw was more developed than the photos that I have show. Hindsight is 20/20 and going in we didn't even want to see her, but I changed my mind after I came out of surgery. My little fairy baby with her little fairy hands and feet. UGH! I wish I could just turn this off and stop talking and thinking about her. I feel like everyone expects me to be "over" it by now. That is one of the main reasons I'm so protective of her box and photos. I don't want someone looking at her pictures and saying "She was so under developed, why are you still this upset?" because sadly I know people that would say that or something close. Ya know what though!! No matter the development; life starts at conception and she was and will always be my baby! I carried her, felt her move, her hiccups, her extreme like or extreme dislike of kit kats, I labored with her and most of all I loved her.

I received a call from my friend Adam today, he can only call us once a month and had no clue what had been going on. The last time we spoke was around the middle of last month. So, one of the first things out of his mouth was "how did your ultrasound go?" so had to tell him the whole spill. It's hard to talk about what has happened but it's getting easier to talk about her. I don't know if that makes sense or not. Our fifteen minute conversation was mainly me blubbering in the phone.

Ya know I have been praying for months for God to use me, to open a door for me to talk to someone about him and his glory. I didn't mean it this way!!! I didn't want to lose something to help someone else gain something. I guess it isn't about what we want but rather what we need. How though could I possibly "need" to go through this? It is so hard not to question God and all these things. I just have to know that there is a reason there was a reason and I have to now find a way to use this to glorify him in all of this. It's hard when the wounds are still so fresh. I will get there though!

Not sure how I feel today..

Mommy I'm Here




Mommy I know this day wasn't what you had planned,

But I'm right here beside you, holding your hand.

My spirit has already gone, there's so much work to do,

But our Father let me come today so I could comfort you.

I know you and Daddy love me, and it's hard to see me go,

But that is why we're sent to earth, so we can learn and grow.

I wish I could stay with you here and play with my brother's and sister's too,

But for now I'll have to wait until your missions are though.

I'll be near when you need me to wipe away your tears,

to hold you tight and kiss your cheeks and chase away your fears.

And on the day our Father calls you to come home

I'll be right there to get you, you'll never be alone.



-Deanne Taylor

 
 
Not sure how I feel today... The day is young though so hopefully things for me will get out of this BLAH state im in at the moment.

Dreams..

I finally slept last night. I took more of the meds than I was told to plus a little extra just to sleep. I had to do something! I have been getting at the most 4hrs a night. I'm cranky and it got to the point where I was snappy with everyone. I almost never get snappy with my kids but yesterday after the whole peds ofc, running around paying bills, fussy babies, fussy daddys I had it. So when I have a 7yr old pissing and moaning about not being able to play outside I snapped. ( I wouldn't let them go out yesterday because it wouldn't have been fair to Amiah. Her rx wont be ready until noon and I don't want to take any chances with their health. So to be fair no one could go out. ) It isn't like they have absolutely nothing to do here. They have toy boxes filled with junk, PS2's, Wii's, DS's and yet she swears they have nothing. So I got a quite crabby and made her spend the rest of the night in her room. I know now that was a bit extreme but I didn't know how to react. I have just been a bundle of stress, nerves and emotions and I feel that I took it out on Keirsten a little yesterday and no I feel HORRIBLE about it. So I knew that the me not sleeping isn't just hurting me it's hurting everyone else in my house. So I took a little extra in hopes I would drift into dream land and stay there. I did! I even slept over a little. I'm still drowsy, chugging coffee at the moment.

My dream!!! I saw Rowen in my dream! She was full term and so precious. I was holding her sitting on the end of my bed. Some how I knew I only had a little time with her. She was wrapped up in a yellow blanket. I could feel the blanket!!! It was so soft so was her skin. She was yawning, cooing, and just looking at me. It could have just been the medication or maybe God let me have a little glimpse of my daughter last night. I may sound crazy but I guess that is want sleep deprivation does to you.

I'm still wishing I will wake up and still have her. I know it's just a wish though. I told Dr. Stanzcky (my ob) the day I went in and found out that I wanted my tubes tied. I didn't want a chance of this happening again. I have since changed my mind. In just two short weeks I have changed my mind. I now see HUGE family reunions (not that I don't have a big family now) but I'm not done neither is Ryan we want more and losing Rowan has made us see that. I was going to have my tubes tied after we had her in the first place but that isn't an option now. I know no baby will ever replace her and im not planning to jump on the baby making train right away we have a three year plan. I want to get in the best health possible and Ryan and I both need to get our finances strait. I figure three years is plenty enough time to grieve over the loss of out little baby angel, get healthy, save some money and be in the place we need to be.

I AM GOING TO MAKE THIS DAY A GOOD DAY!!!

I honestly don't know what I would do if we didn't have Christ in our lives. This is such a hard thing to go through and it is so easy to play the blame game and blame God for not giving you what you want. I know in my heart whatever God is doing here is for a reason. It hurts like hell but I have to place all my faith and love in him and truly believe he is going to see us through.

Up's And Down's

All day it has been ups and Downs. I finally opened the local newspaper and saw with my own eyes her obituary. It is now neatly folded in her cedar box with engraved baby giraffes and hearts on the top. I also received a card from my sons teacher. It was a nice thought, just kinda wish the cards and random calls from fair-weather friends would cease. If I want to talk about Rowan let me initiate that into the conversation, don't just come out and ask how I'm doing thena million and one questions about what happened. Especially if I barely know you. Sorry venting a little about a woman that goes to the same church I went to stopping me as I was passing her at my child's peds office today.. I swear this woman had never said one word to me before..O'well. Nice to know she cares now or just maybe feeling as though she is saving face. I dunno. I just want to wear a sign on my forehead saying "I'm hurting but alive, now leave me alone." It isn't that I'm not appreciative of their concern but when it is coming from the cashier at McDonald's who doesn't even know your name just knows someone who knows someone who knows you it gets old.. Really cashier lady? Really? You honesty care? Really?


Sorry if I sound a little bitter but that is me right now.

So I took my three year old (Amiah) to the ped today. Where I ran into the face in the crowd at church that now is super concerned about me and my family..Anyway, my daughter is severely allergic to oak apparently and was prescribeda slew of meds.. Fingers crossed they will work.. The poor thing couldn't be outside more than 10Min's without her eyes puffing up. Shes also allergic to pretty much all grass so I find that interesting.

I actually got a little excited this evening. First time since all of this has happened. A friend of mine is trying to talk me into joining a gym and so far her powers of persuasion are working and I really do think it would be good for me. Get my mind off my situation or work out my aggression about losing my wee one.

All of this has been rough so anything to get my mind off of things would be great. Ive tried reading and I cant. Cant watch a movie. Cant find anything that holds my interest and keeps my mind off of Rowan. I guess that is just how it is going to be for a while

 

The will of God will never take me where the grace of God will not protect me!!!!

Her obituary was published in the local newspaper today

So her obituary was published today. I received a phone call from the Marshfield Mail last week asking if I would like one published. I thought about it for a while and figured it may help me and Ryan with a little closure. I had my wonderful friend Jill write it up and she did an excellent job. I read it once via email but cant bring myself to open the newspaper to see it. It is beautifully worded and it means so much to myself and Ryan to have had Jill write it. So once again Jill, thank you!!!


Today was OK. Nothing to unbearable. Rowan has been on my mind all day but that is just how it is going to be for a while. Due to my inability to sleep I find myself snapping at my children and husband. I thought it was the medication that I was placed on for anxiety but I was told differentially when I went to see the therapist today. I saw a therapist for the first time today and I found it refreshing to know I'm "normal". That everything I am experiencing it completely normal. I was so happy to find out that he (the therapist) is a christian and only recommends medication if all else fails, but he thinks I will be just fine. I was told this could take over a year to heal from and I will never completely be healed, that Rowan will always be a part of us, of me and that no matter what I will always have that loss. I knew that though. I just want to be able to smile and mean it again, ya know? So, I'm supposed to see this dude weekly then slowly break away when I start to mend a little. So far I like him and hope talking with him will help ease things for me a little. I was told to only allow myself 10-15minn's a day to really grieve for her. Holding her box and just let the tears flow. After that put it away and do the best I can to get through the day, that she will be on my mind regardless but at least I would have gotten that BIG cry out for the evening.

I told him I didnt think I could be happy unless I have a baby now. That I know NO baby will ever replace our Rowan but now I long to hold a baby that is mine, smell that sweet baby smell, nestle up to their soft cheeks. I just don't want this to happen again. I think that would really push me over the edge. He stated I should give myself at least a year, time to heal before trying but I long for one now, I don't think I could wait a year. I guess I will just have to take this one day at a time and rely on God to guide me to the right decision. Then again all this thinking could just be me grieving or hormones.

I did do something I think is a major step.. I shared her memory box with a friend and I held it together really well. I'm proud of myself! There are only a hand full of people I'm comfortable with letting them see the box and its contents. She was the first to see inside besides Ryan and myself so I honestly think it was a big step for me.

Ryan and I had a long talk last night. He and I are 100% against abortion. I don't care the situation, may sound harsh but there is a reason for everything (even Rowan)! Anyway, I skipped out on the early chromosone testing and downs syndrome tests.. Maybe if I would have went through with those tests there could have been something so majorly wrong with her to make us have to consider abortion. Maybe God took that choice off our hands. Obviously there was something wrong otherwise this wouldn't be what it is now. God could have saved us from even more heartache and guilt. Not that this isn't heartbreaking because it is.. This is the most hurtful thing I have had to go through. I wouldn't wish this on anyone!!! To have a child die is HORRIBLE!!! Maybe thought God spared us even more pain.

I just hope I can mend and we can heal together so we can be the Ryan and Erica we need to be for our four other blessings.






Marshfield Mail - Marshfield, Missouri - Neighbor Newspapers > Obituaries > Rowan Marie McCall

I wish things were different...

Well it is nap time in my house. The two Little's are Zzzzz'n.

So I guess this is just going to be an up and down kinda thing. Yesterday wasn't so bad I had a few moments where I couldn't hold it together but other than that did everything in my power to stay busy so I couldn't let myself feel what my mind wanted me to. I thought of her all day and that has proven the same so far for today as well. I even placed applications at three stores to try and get a job doing something over night. It isn't like I sleep in the first place, plus if I do get hired on somewhere my mind will have to be focused on whatever I'm doing and not drift into a million directions like they have been every night for the past ten days. I drove 45minns to and fro to pick up a desk I found on Craigslist by myself and had a nice conversation with God. I know he loves me and I know he is with me through this. Still though I wonder why! Why me? Why us? It's hard not to do that. It is hard not to question God when you lose a child. At least I know Rowan (saying her name today) is in a place so so so much better than here. She will never have to deal with the harshness of this world. Never have her heart broken or be disappointed. Still even saying that I wish things were different. I wish I could still feel her wiggles in my belly wish she were safely growing inside me. I wish I could rewind time and make it to where this had never happened. Or maybe wake up and all of this had just been a horrible dream. I'm selfish for wanting her here when I know she is in Heaven and nothing can top that.

I sold ALL the baby items I was saving and had bought. A load of things for $10. I had to get them out of here, just another reminder of what isn't to be. I have had my husband move our one year olds crib in his older brothers room for now. Ryan and Zeke (my 9yo) are doing bed times for Jacob so I don't have to see his bed. A bed! Really, how crazy is it to cry or get totally bummed out when you see a bed? As I was folding the ton of laundry from our room today I slipped and thought, "this would be a good place for the new babies bed." After I said it, it hit me. So I spent a chunk of the morning crying while folding laundry. God never promised me a happy life where I would remain untouched by heartache. He promised something much better and I just have to get out of this slump. Regardless slump or no slump I have to live for him so I can see my little one again one day.

GOD SAID NO!

I asked God to take away my habit.

God said, No.

It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.

God said, No.

His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.

God said, No.

Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;

it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.

God said, No.

I give you blessings; happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.

God said, No.

Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares

and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.

God said, No.

You must grow on your own,

but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.

God said, No.

I will give you life,

so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.

God said... Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

Im OK today!

Well the day is still young but I'm OK right now. It is 12:45pm, Elmo is going on the ole' boob tube, my two little ones just finished off the last of the strawberries and should be winding down for a nap soon. I plan on taking them for a walk when nap is over. Letting my three year old ride her tricycle along side me pushing her little brother. Just gotta stay occupied! Or I will go crazy and be worthless to everyone. As of last night my husband refuses to talk to me anymore, I guess he is tired of hearing me piss and moan about all of this. It hurts. He told me I just have to get over it that he cant be sympathetic all the time. That no amount of crying is going to change things. I don't need to or want to hear that. I feel like I'm a burden on him and others because I cant carry on a conversation about last nights episode of Celebrity Apprentice because all I think about is "her". Yes I have resorted to "her" today, saying her name doesn't help. I know in the grieving packages the hospital gave me it says to not call her the baby but call her by name. Well I don't want to do that today. I'm OK right now and I think by saying her name that's going to screw everything up. I just want a normal day, but as I write this it's occurring to me that it is all a show. I can fake a smile just as easily as the next. It's what is hidden behind that smile that is taring me apart. I need Ryan to be sympathetic right now!!!! I need him to at least act like this bothers him. I know it's different for the both of us. I carried her, I felt her move, I labored with her and now apparently I'm the crazy one the only one going trough this and it isn't fair!!!


My two littles have drifted into dream land while watching Sesame Street. So now it's all me and my mind which I think I'm slowly losing. I go tomorrow night to the grief support group. I know I'm going to feel odd and out of place I wish someone would go with me. I wish Ryan would/could go. I guess I just feel like it's all on me. It is. It's so hard to "give this to God" because he knows I'm hurting and no matter how much I pray and how many people pray for me and for his comfort I still hurt. I know he is with me I know God is by my side I just want him to take all this pain away. I'm a firm believer things happen for a reason there is a lesson to be learned from every experience. Maybe God felt I didn't deserve her. I said several times during this pregnancy that I didn't want to be pregnant or want another baby. I did though. It was just things happened so soon after Jacob (Jacob being our one year old) that I didn't know how I was going to do this. Now I feel like God gave me a gift and I took it forgranted so he took it back. I do want it!!!!!!!! I want her!!!!!! Maybe I'm a horrible mother and he changed his mind about me being her mommy. I just don't know. It stinks thought!!!! There is something here I'm supposed to learn from and I honestly think it is to not take the gifts God gives us forgranted.

Psalms 4:1

Answer me when I call to you,

O my righteous God.

Give me relief from my distress;

be mercful to me and hear my prayer.

Just Another Day..

So today has been a little rough. It has been one week and two days since Rowan came into this world. I cant say it was the day she was born because she wasn't born she just arrived. I never got the chance to hear her tiny cry or see her open her eyes but I know one day I will have my little angel in my arms. I'm having an issue taking the Xanax prescribed for me. I don't want to take it yet I know it helps. I'm afraid that I will not know if I am healing if I am taking it. What is going to happen when my 20 pills run out? Am I going to feel horrible? I was told I have severe adjustment disorder, but really who wouldn't if they were in my shoes? I guess I'm just afraid. I hate feeling down in the dumps all the time and I don't want to feel this way the rest of my life. Things get bad when I'm alone. My head starts to wonder and is in a million places. That's when the whys? what ifs? etc. come pouring in. If I stay busy I'm OK. It's just staying busy is the issue. Unless I'm made leave my house or I have to go somewhere I have no desire to leave what so ever. I'm just down right now. I feel so empty. Gas bubbles feels like her moving and I have to remind myself she isn't in there anymore. It's so hard to wrap my head around the fact I'm no longer pregnant. I'm supposed to be 22wks over half way to that finish line. Over half way there to getting to hold my baby but that isn't going to happen or me. I'm so heartbroken by all of this and I don't know how to start to mend my heart. I feel like my sadness is taking away from my children, they don't deserve seeing mommy cry all the time.
We visited her grave site yesterday, it was rough but not as bad as I had thought it to be. I saw where the ground had been broken so I know where my baby's resting place is. I don't see going back out there for a while, I just needed to see just for me where they placed her. We left there and went to some nature trails and walked a little. It was a nice time with the kids and everyone enjoyed it. I couldn't help but think I would never be able to take her there to see the beautiful landscape. I swear everywhere I turned I saw pregnant women. I dislike pregnant women now and I cant help it. I'm just so jealous of them. Then there was a man pushing a brand new baby girl while smoking.. just pissed me off. Seeing babies make me cry and pregnant woman piss me off so there you have it.

I know this one wasn't as sincere as my first but I'm bitter today. I know God has a plan I'm just trying my hardest to trust in him and know he has my best interest at heart.

My first time blogging so bare with me

Hello, my name is Erica and I have never really done the whole blogging thing. I decided to do this in hopes to help myself heal a little and maybe someone else out there can gain something from my blogs. Let's just jump right in then, OK? I am a mother of five. I have a nine year old, seven year old, three year old, one year old, and very recently lost a little girl. She is the basis of my blog. Her and trying to deal with life after you lose a baby. I thought I knew what it was like to have my heart broken in the past but until I lost her I had no clue. This has and is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I have lost parents and friends but nothing comes close to losing your child.



Wed April 7th I was counting down the minutes to go to my ultrasound. That was the day I had been waiting for almost 21wks. To get a glimpse of my little one stretching, moving, hiding from the camera and most all to see if we were having a boy or a girl. My husband had taken the rest of the day off from work so we could go. However no children were allowed in the office building what so ever so he decided to stay behind to watch our two youngest ones. So I happily drove to the office which was not my regular OB office it was across town. I was giddy and excited for what was to come. I check in, sit down with a Disney Family magazine and await my turn. It wasn't long until I was called back I think I got maybe 15 pages into the magazine. I go back use the restroom then on the table I went. She put the big screen on so I wouldn't have to strain to see my little one. Instantly I had a bad feeling. I told the tech "wow. little one's all bunched up in there." She moved the thing around quite a bit and no movement. I knew something was wrong. I said to her, "somethings not right is it?" she said, "no, there is no heartbeat." She got up and went to get their staff doctor to come in and speak with me. I was a mess by the time he came in. He was very uncaring in a way. He just sat next to me and said, "well your far enough along to where we will have to induce." He informed me he had already called my regular OB whom I was to go see immediately after I left there. I asked if there was a phone I could use, I had to talk to someone and had to tell my husband. So I sat in a private office tears pouring telling my husband our little one had passed away and they couldn't tell me any reason why. They said her anatomy was perfect that these things just happen. I drove across town alone to see my OB in hysterical tears. When I got there they took me strait back. I guess they didn't want me bringing all the pregnant woman down in the office. I sat in one of their extra offices which looked to me like a junk room until the doctor could see me. He seemed very caring, even shed a tear with me. Then told me it was nothing I did these things just happen. At five months you think your out of the wood works when it comes to pregnancy loss. Guess not. He and I spoke of being induced and what would happen afterwards and what could happen. He said he didn't want to do it that day, that I needed time to wrap my head around the whole situation, he couldn't do it Thursday because it was his surgery day and Friday he was taking off. So he wanted me to come in Sat morning @ 7am. He would give me ambien to help me sleep until then. I drove home, the loneliest drive I have ever drove. I came in and couldn't hold back the tears, I didn't want my kids to see me upset but that has proven not to work. I cry all the time now and I cant help it. I was on the phone with my sister when my older two came running in so excited to hear if it was a boy or girl. The first thing out of my nine year old mouth was "so, boy or girl, please be boy." I lost it and hung up on my sister and my husband had to tell them there was not going to be a baby. That the baby went to heaven while in Mommy's tummy. I sent my kids to church that night with a friend, Ryan (my husband, just dawned on me I had not said his name on here yet) and I needed some time together. I made it through Wed night but Thursday I couldn't take it. I guess I snapped in some way. I couldn't wait two more days of being that sad and upset knowing the worst was yet to come. I knew Sat. would be the hardest day of my life. I didn't want to couldn't wait, I had to go ahead and and get the hardest part over with. I called my OB and got another doctors nurse and they told me to go ahead into labor and delivery. I waited until my children came home and were settled with who they were going to be staying with. All I can say is I have some wonderful people in my life who rallied together to have my children taken care of and I thank them all so much!!! I know we are blessed to have friends that care as much as our friends do. We got to labor and delivery around 7pm Thursday and they explained what all they were going to do and how long I should expect it to be. I met the on call doctor who seemed to be very pleasant. My nurses were wonderful and caring. I was to have a pill inserted into my cervix that would make it soft so it would be easier to deliver without contracting much. I was so hurt by all of this. I asked the nurse if there was any way they could be wrong, maybe the machine wasn't working that day. It was so hard hearing they weren't wrong my baby was already in heaven. She inserted the pill in my cervix and started pitocin. I was offered an epidural but I couldn't. I associated that with having a baby and I was having a baby but not to keep. It's so hard knowing you have to labor with a baby you cant bring home. I didn't know we were having a girl until we had her. I had her @ 4:45am Friday April 9th. She was 2.4oz and 7inches long. She was so beautiful! I didn't expect her to look so much like a baby. She had dark fuzzy hair, not enough to cut but it was there. Tiny hands with all her fingers, tiny baby feet with all ten toes. I only held her feet, I think now if I had picked her up I wouldn't have let her go. Ryan chose not to look at her, this whole experience was hard enough. We named her Rowan Marie. This wasn't supposed to me!! This wasn't ment to be for me. not for my life. I say these things but then realise, yes it was ment for me. Why, I don't know. I may never know. All I know now is how much this hurts. We were sent home the same day. I was given a box of things she touched, photos, a memory book and some other items that she was either on or pictured with. Most women get to leave holding their babies I got to leave holding a box. It was so hard leaving, leaving her. I know she wasn't there that she is in our heavenly fathers arms but I wish she were in mine. The hospital does the burial if you are under 22wks. So she should have been buried this week. We had the choice to do it ourselves but I feel that if we had done it I would never want to leave. That I would feel like I was abandoning her if we were to go out of town so Ryan felt it better to have them do it. I will got out there soon just to do it. Im not sure where she will be buried but it will be around a monument for babies such as Rowan.


Now it's to the healing, how do I do that? How do I begin to be normal Erica again? I cant even stand to look at my one year olds baby bed, or pass by the closet where we have Rowan's memory box without crying. The hospital accidentally put a bottle of Johnson's baby shampoo in the bag they give you full of pads and I cant stop smelling it. Thinking this is what my baby would have smelt like. It sits on my computer desk open as I write this, I occasionally get a good whiff of it. My kids don't get why mommy is so sad and they don't deserve seeing me like this. My seven year old just being a kid has decided to share our information with the world, but that is just a kid being a kid. I cant help but for it to bother me though when someone she has told that I have no clue who is comes to me and tells me how sorry they are for my loss. I'm so sick of people who don't even know my name come up and say how sorry they are. This isn't fair at all.. I'm trying my hardest not to be, why me? poor poor pitiful me etc. but it is hard. I don't want to question God but that is hard too. Why let me be pregnant five months if I don't get the reward at the end? Did God change his mind? I just don't get it. It just isn't fair.