I wonder

Today is just another day that goes by like nothing has changed except you. My sister said it best in one of her Facebook updates, "It's not fair that when people die time doesn't stop. It keeps on going as if it doesn't care that another good person is gone and you're dying inside.". That is so true. Time keeps ticking no matter what happens. It feels like your the only one time has stopped for and your trapped. You see everyone else going about their lives like nothing happened. Why cant I go on about mine? I'm the only one still grieving this and I feel all cried out. I'm just numb to all of this now, like I cant cry anymore but I still feel all the pain. Will it ever go away? Guessing that my roller coaster is on a down at the moment.

I have accepted this is what it is and that's all it can be. I have come to terms with the fact I lost my little girl, that her life was cut short way to soon (she was supposed to bury me not the other way around!). I have accepted the fact I am not pregnant, that I had a daughter named Rowan who is not here with me. I know God has a plan and I know that this was part of his plan! I know God loves me so much and that he too has felt the loss of a child, he sent his own son to be out savior by giving up his life so we could live. I know this! I have accepted it, now when does this hole in my heart heal?

This girl at the park yesterday asked me how many children I had, I told her four. It's better than saying. " I have had five but I have four." I felt guilty not saying five. Maybe I'm beating myself up not wanting the outside world to think that I see my Rowan as an afterthought. However it's much less complicated to just say four. I know I have five, just one isn't here on earth with the others. Anyway, she then asked if I was done having children. I held it together. ( I'm becoming so good at this I can even fake myself out some days) I told her it was not in the stars for me to have another right now but maybe in the future.

I know Rowan is up there safe, she will never have to feel pain or sorrow. I wonder if she has met up with my Mama, or my grandparents, maybe James, Susan, or Eric? I wonder... Im sure if she hasent she will get around to it sooner or later she has eternity. I know one day she will meet up with me! Until then I will do whatever I can to be a faithful servent to the Lord and the best mom and wife I can be

God saw you getting tired and a cure was not

to be. So he put his arms around you and whispered "come to me." With

tearful eyes I watched you,and saw you pass away. Although I loved

you dearly, I could not make you stay. A golden heart stopped

beating, hardworking hands at rest....God broke my heart to prove to me, He only

...takes the BEST.

One of those days

I finally did it.  I took Rowan's box down last night.  I waited until everyone was sleeping and took it down.  I looked through all the items and photos.  Kissed the pictures, her little blue bunny and hat.  I have a pain in my heart that im afraid will never heal. I know it will never heal it's something im going to have to learn to live with and I honestly think im doing pretty good so far.   I miss her! I miss being pregnant with her!  I miss the hopes and dreams I had for her!  I know though, God has her and he is taking the best care imaginable of her.  I just can't help but wonder if she misses me or ever thinks of me.  I know I miss her and think of her all the time.  There isnt a moment that she isnt in the back of my mind.  I just have my days I guess and maybe this is one of them :(

Everywhere I look

I haven't taken Rowan's box down in almost three days. I haven't looked at her pictures, held her blanket or little blue bunny in almost three days. I want to take the box down but something is holding me back. Like I know it's a bad idea, that I'm just torturing myself if I give in and get it down. Ive even been in the closet, hands on the box starting to pull it off the top shelf where it stays and had to stop because I feel like right now it's not the best idea. I have been OK for about 24hrs now and I know if I take it down to look through that OKness will be ruined. Does that make me horrible? That I don't want to look at my daughters memory box? Everything that was hers or was to be is all in one tiny box. I got rid of all the baby items I had saved right after we got home. Some mommy to be lucked up with my Craigslist posting. I just couldn't look at it. Everything already reminds me of her, I look at my children and know there is one missing, I look at the photos on the fridge and know the only one up there even close to being one of her is a photo of where she is buried, I will never get to capture a memory of her to place up there with the other four. The toys that are scattered through my house will never be Rowan's toys. Even down to the silverware we eat off of, Rowan will never use them. So I feel like why torture myself looking through the tiny box contained with her things, cards, photos, etc. when I already see reminders of her everywhere I look.

So today is...

So today is so far so good. I have ups and downs all throughout the day and so far I'm good. Ive been trying to stay busy as busy as I can because I don't want that dreadful down that I know is to come. I have decided to not go back to the therapist. It isn't like what I have been going through isn't normal. I could see it if I was so bad it was interfering with daily life to the point I cant function semi normal. Yeah things aren't normal right now, nor do I see them ever being the way they were before Rowan but at least I'm OK. I don't want to say things are getting better because this isn't something you "get better" from, despite that being the thought of others. I'm not sick! I'm a grieving mother who lost her child. Yeah it sucks! Yeah it breaks my heart! but it isn't a sickness! So I don't need a cure, I need time. That I can get without paying $140 a month so someone who honestly could care less listen to me piss and moan about my lot in life. So there ya have it! Today is so far so good!

How can you miss someone you never really got the chance to meet

You know that little knot that sits in the back of your throat when your holding back the tears? That knot that makes you want to gag. That makes you feel one hundred times worse than what you "think" you should feel at that exact moment, because your supposed to be strong, your supposed to put on a happy face and smile even though your broken. That knot, is becoming a permanent part of me. If I cry, if I let it all out, where does that put me when the tears have been wiped away? Will letting it all out bring her back? Will I suddenly be seven months pregnant if I give in and cry? Will all this have just been a horrible dream? No. Sadly I know crying wont change a thing. Nothing will make this situation any more bearable that what it already is. Crying will make it worse. So, I sit here put on a painted smile, grin and bare it so to speak and live with that knot in the back of my throat.

How can you miss someone you never really got the chance to meet? I miss Rowan so much! Her not being here, growing inside me is a painful absence that I have to some how learn to live with. I don't want this task! I don't want to be the mother who lost her baby! I don't want to be the sad mother who would rather stay curled in a ball crying than get out of bed so I can enjoy the children I have with me. I pray and I pray and I pray for God to help ease this, to send me a sign things will get better or that he is even listening and still I am at this stage. I thought things would be getting a little easier by now. I thought time heals all. Some days are better than others, some days I can function "normal" others I'm a complete mess. Maybe I should rephrase that...Some hours I can function "normal" others I'm a complete mess. I guess I would rather have ups and downs than just a constant down. Just wish there were more ups these days for me.

Wishing...

OK, so I haven't blogged in four days. I haven't been up to the task. Seems like my hour by hour is a roller coaster but I'm getting by. I have to. I'm sleeping OK now but only with the help of ambien. My doctor told me to try chewing it up and that seems to be doing the trick. I tried to sleep the night before last without it and tossed and turned, mind racing for hours. I finally gave in and took one. At least I'm functional during the day when I take them.

Mothers day SUCKED but that was to be expected. I walked out of church because the music.. I couldn't hold back my tears any longer, the day had already started out emotional, it was Mothers day. I am blessed to have four kids here who love me and showed me over and over again this passed Sunday. So it wasn't all bad, I was just for the main part down all day.

I'm going to try out a support group recommended by my doctor. It's called MEND Mothers Enduring Neonatal Death. I go June 3rd, maybe that will help.. I dunno maybe it will make things worse. I'm a mess so I just don't know. One minute I think I will be OK but I turn around and something reminds me of where I'm supposed to be or what I have went through and who I have lost then it all starts over. All the feelings of guilt, remorse, anger, hurt, I could go on and on. I feel different hour by hour that's why the roller coaster comment. I don't want to be on this ride anymore though. I want to skip all the dips and stick with the highs but that is unlikely to happen. Keep trying to remind myself God didn't do this to hurt me or because he doesn't love me. He knew how much this would hurt me and knows what I'm going through but all things are done for a reason, his plan. I totally think his plan sucks right now but who's to say in the future I wont look back and see his reasoning for Rowan. I have faith that God knows what hes doing, after all he is God. I just wish that it wasn't like this. However I've said it before and I will say it again, I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason, a lesson to be learned from everything. Just wish I wasn't delt this hand. Wishing isn't going to change what has happened. I have to keep pushing forward and holding on to the Lord, trusting in him to see me through.

But honestly, what do I say?

Mothers day is coming up and all the hype about getting mom flowers and a card last minute is all over the place. What do I say when someone asks how many children do I have? Do I say four? Because I only have four here with me? Do I say five, but one is in Heaven? Do I say eight, but miscarried three, lost a little girl when I was six months pregnant with her and have four here with me? What do I say? What do mommies in my position tell people? I know the last three options would open a can of crud I don't feel like explaining over and over again? I have held five children of my own, I have given names to each of them Zeke, Keirsten, Amiah, Jacob and Rowan? Just because Rowan isn't here does she not count? I never had the chance to even really know I was pregnant with the three miscarriages. They happened within the first month and I had no clue I was pregnant until my cycle lasted a bit longer than the norm (TMI I'm sure) But honestly, what do I say?

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven,

and though it must appear

A rather strange idea,

I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit,

your stores to find a card

A card of love for my mother,

as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,

every card you could imagine

Except I could not find a card,

from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too,

no matter where I reside

I had to leave, she understands,

but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,

that you would come to know

That though I live in heaven now,

I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;

we still share laughter too,

Memories our way of speaking now,

would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,

her tears she hides from sight.

She writes poems to honor me,

sometimes far into the night.

She plants flowers in my garden,

there my living memory dwells

She writes to other grieving parents,

trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,

though I no longer live on earth

I must find a way,

to remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored,

and remembered too

Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,

I know you'll do your best

I have done all I can do;

to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,

how much she means to me

Until I can do it for myself,

when she joins me in eternity.

~Jody Seilheimer

If only I could get one to grow here in her honor.

No Closure...

Had my final OB appointment today. I took my photo of Rowan up there in hopes he could tell me what he "Thought" it was. To me I honestly was thinking birth defect but according to him, she was perfectly formed. He said he checked her head to toe after delivery and found nothing wrong with her. He said in most cases it was a cord incident but he remembered checking hers and couldn't find anything wrong. Now I'm left with the not knowing. I have to now accept the fact I will never know what caused my little Rowan to die. The not knowing it eating me up. I honestly cant say I can ever be OK with the not knowing. I am afraid that if I don't have something, some sort of closure I'm going to go off the deep end. I am holding on to God as hard and as tight as I can. There is a song b Josh Wilson called "Savior Please" and the verse "I can't do this alone, God I need you to hold onto me" keeps playing in my head over and over again. I can't do this without him. Yet I'm mad at him, I am a million and one different feelings all in one and I don't know where to begin to work through one to get to the next. I was given a pamphlet to a group called MEND it is for women and men who have gone through what I'm going through, they meet tomorrow night and I'm going to try to make it. I think it would be good for me. I have met online so many mother who have lost their little ones and it helps me feel less alone. I know no one can truly know how the other person feels or felt even though they have been through the same or similar situations. Everyone feels differently, everyone grieves differentially, but it's nice to know someone else has been in these shoes, has some insight as to what I'm going through. I didn't realise how much all this was effecting Ryan until this week. It has been a rough week for him. I just pray God can help mend his and my heart a little. At least enough were we are the parents we should be for our other four.

There will be a time when all of the pieces will fit together and we will understand the reason for the pain.                             

                                

I skipped a day....

Guess I need to make up for it. Yesterday was an hour by hour roller coaster. Not a very fun ride either. I got up had to drop some paperwork off at our lawyers office by 11am so had to drive to the town over. It is about 45minns + of a drive. I had to be out there at 2pm for my therapy appointment anyway and there was no way I was making two trips with it being that far so. Jacob, Amiah and myself made a day of it and went to the good ole' Bass Pro shop. Just to look at the fish. That was fun! I love seeing their faces when they discover something new and that was their first trip there so it was a good time. It made me want to go fishing. I do believe a fishing trip should be in order now. Not sure about MO laws when it comes to fishing, so need to look all that junk up before I start planning anything. I think the kids would like it. I grew up on a lake and the beach so fishing for a while was my thing..lol. It was basically all we ate while we lived at Bass Lake in GA. I think I was nine or ten. Anyway my up bring needs a whole blog to itself..ha ha. So, we did that then went to the famous golden arches for lunch. Ive been trying to stay away from fast food and if I know we are to be out of town for a while I will pack something but forgot the packed lunches on the counter, so had to do something. Had two hungry mouths to feed.

After that we headed over to St. John's Behavioral Health to see Brent Fletcher. I honestly think I can do this without dishing out $35 a week for him to hear me sobb. He said some crazy junk about being able to control your dreams...blah blah blah. He thinks I have borderline OCD. I knew that. Diagnosed with that many of year ago along with severe anxiety in social situations or enclosed spaces. I keep my crazies to myself so not to many people know that about me...Guess they do now. Too bad I have never been ocd about cleaning, that would be a positive of having it..ha ha. (Plus God has made me over come a lot when it comes to the ocd and anxiety issues.) He thinks me looking up birth defects and trying to find a baby that looks like he will re trigger my mind to an ocd stage. I think I'm a grieving mother who wants closure! I think by finding something anything out about why this happened I can give it a rest and move on with my life.

Ya know, I think I'm doing GREAT considering it hasn't even been a month. I think I'm doing awesome! I have no choice but to be doing great or awesome.

I know Rowan is being taken care of I know that, however I wish it were me being the one who is caring for her. I just have to accept that it is what it is and put my all into careing for Zeke, Keirsten, Amiah, Jacob and Ryan also myself.

I know God is on my side

So we went out to Resurrection Cemetery after church this morning. Layed flowers out for our Rowan Marie. It was a very emotional moment. Not just for me but for Ryan as well, at least I know he isn't made of pure stone anymore. So please if you get a chance say a prayer for my family tonight. It was a hard trip. We want to go biweekly for a little bit, if just to bring flowers. Then maybe I can slowly transition out of going bi weekly to once monthly then so on and so forth. I just feel I need to be out there for here. Even though I know she isn't there, she is somewhere so much better it's just getting e mind to connect to the truth when dealing with grief.

I had a really hard day yesterday, not just dealing with Rowan but other issues of my up bring came up and having that load all at once was a bit much. So thankful my friend Kendal rescued me from me and the torture I put myself through. We went grocery shopping. We were accompanied by her two wonderful kids, it was fun seeing how exited they were to try every sample at Sam's.

I am now officially out of my anxiety medication, I go to the doctor tomorrow and I'm afraid to ask for more at the moment. I don want to be labeled a "seeker". I don't think I need something long term just something to make it where I enjoy leaving the house some days. I think I could easily shut everyone out, just curl in a ball and stay that way some days but with what they have me on it helps, I can notice a difference. However if you know my I fear all medication. Addiction runs in my family and I cant let that be me. My kids deserve better, I deserve better.

I know God is on my side and we are to lean on him when things get tough but I find myself bitter sometimes, I know Ive said it before if I were where I was a year ago I would have completely turned my back on Christ by now. I can see how easy it would be. But I look at all the good he has done for my family and I know things will be tough and we have to push through the bad to get to the good, so im holding on to my faith and hope that things will get better.

You know what? I have complete faith things will get better, God is going to see me through. He didn't promise me a life with sparkles and glitter but he did promise if I remain faithful and believe in him eternal life and who could pass that up? My eternal life with him will also include eternal life with my precious Rowan. We just have to take the bad with the good and go with it regardless the bad we are given. Not saying that isn't hard because it is. Ive been through a load of crap in my like, I will admit nothing comes close to what we are dealing with now but we will get by and things will start looking up for us soon.

found thins while working on a study book my friend Jill gave me and it spoke to me so I have decided to share...

2Timothy 2:11-13

If we died with him
       We will also live with him
If we endure <---------------------I have to endure this and push forward with Christ on my side
       We will also reign with him <-------------and I will get my reward in the end
If we disown him <----------------I can not turn my back on him reguardless
       He will also disown us
If we are faithless
       He will remain faithful<-------He will never give up on us

I saw..

I saw someone who is never supposed to cry, cry today, someone who is supposed to hold it together for both he and I but I saw him cry. I wasn't supposed to see him, he had the door locked but me being nosy unlocked it and found him looking at our little ones box and photos. I know this isn't something to blog about but it makes me feel better, at least he isn't immune to all of this, he does care no matter how "hard" he appears he is hurting and I Don't know how to help him while trying to help me.