Maybe our dreams are more than just entertainment while we sleep...

Three days and my doctor is expecting me to have written Rowan a letter. Ive started several times just can only get a few lines on the page before I put it away, saying I will finish it later. I never have that kind of time to finish the letter. I know as many times as I have started and put it away, if I would have just kept going with it I would have a letter by now but what I want to say and how I feel change on a daily basis.. I think my blog here is just going to have to do for a while and maybe make a letter to my daughter a next week project.


My day could go either way right now so I'm not sure how I'm doing. I guess I'm ok at the moment. Hope it stays that way.

I know God loves me and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will see Rowan when I pass on from this earth. I have had forget me nots in my dreams the past two nights. I read a poem a few days back and posted an insert from it on a photo of some beautiful forget me nots. The night before last was me walking in my grandmothers back yard. She loved to garden and had a beautiful rose garden. In the dream I ran over to see if the roses were there and underneath them were forget me nots. I wonder if that is God letting me know Rowan is with my grandmother. Last night I was in a wooded area and the floor was covered with forget me nots, that is all I remember of that one. I have always been one of those people to look into things too much. Look at how I'm obsessing over finding out what happened with her or what was wrong with her. I will probably never know but that wont stop me. I'm like that with dreams as well. Maybe our dreams mean more than just rest time entertainment.

Left to wonder...

OK, so today started as me obsessively looking up photos of other babies born at the same time (gestational age) as Rowan. Trying to find one that remotely resembled how Rowan looked. OK, I didn't get to see Rowan right away. Right after had her I was rushed to the OR because the placenta refused to detach from my uterus and it was causing some serious bleeding (an over share I know) anyway I didn't see her right away. I have no clue how long I was out after surgery. I just remember waking up and I had a new nurse asking me if I would like to see my daughter. Ryan and I both went in saying that we did not want to see her, that it could cause more grief than not seeing her. I changed my mind at the last chance to see her. Ryan did not. He couldn't he still cant look at her photos. He has seen one or two of the pictures but I feel as though I'm shielding him from the others. When I woke up, I could have been groggy due the the mass amount of meds I had been given but when I saw her she looked like a perfectly formed baby. She had a little black fuzz where her hair was starting to grow, I counted all her fingers and toes. I held her legs. I didn't pick her up I let her lay there she looked peaceful. I only saw the left side of her face. She was perfect then and there. Apparently they took photos of here while I was in the OR. They are horrible, not of the perfect baby I saw. She clearly had something wrong with her. So now I'm kicking myself for those genetic tests they recommend at your 12Th week. Also pissed at myself for not having them check her after I had her. I chose not to do the 12wk testing because on both my boys something came back. So I had to be rechecked and they turned up being fine. I figured even if there was something wrong it didn't matter, that baby would be ours regardless. Ryan and I are 100% against abortion so whatever could have come back wouldn't matter. I chose not to get her tested after we had her because personally if had died for some unknown reason wouldn't want anyone cutting me up to find out why. I know it's just the body but that body was the body of my baby and couldn't see to agreeing with that. So now I'm am left wondering what the heck happened. I'm convinceded that she had a birth defect due to the photos that I have of her. The not knowing is killing me!!! Oh my goodness I think maybe if I knew what went wrong I can ease up a bit. I know I keep going on and on about the testing and what not... It is just hard not to when it comes to your child dieing. Hindsight is 20/20 and didn't know I would feel this way about the whole knowing part but I really wish I knew so I can let up a little. So that is me today!

If I didnt have such amazing friends here I know Ryan and myself would have lost it by now.. Thank you all! (You know who you are and we love you all)!!!

I Couldn't Stay Long

You planted me, Lord,

in the womb of my mother

and let me know love

unlike that of another.

I couldn't stay long,

but I will never forget

the way mom and dad

took care of me yet.

Please trust in the Lord

and soon you will see,

to some that's a lifetime

that will never be.

God must have loved us

an awful lot

to let our souls touch

Though our arms could not.

I have to go now,

but please know I'm okay

Remember I love you

and I will see you one day!

I should be buying pink baby clothes now...

So I'm realizing my ups and Downs are not a day by day thing they are more of an hour by hour thing. I was OK until this evening when I saw a woman on television doing a ultrasound. It was an ad for Ultrasound Techs being in high demand. It brought my head to seeing Rowan's ultrasound. How she was all curled up not moving. That day wasn't supposed to be like it was. I should be buying pink baby clothes now not crying on a daily basis that there isnt a pot of gold at the of my rainbow. As a matter of fact my rainbow melted out of the sky and turned gray. I get so overwhelmed with everything I just want to scream or my chest gets so tight It feels like I cant take another breath unless I force it. I keep telling everyone I'm going to be OK almost in a way like I'm trying to convince myself that I will be OK. I honestly don't know. I wish I could honestly say I'm OK but I don't even know. I am trying my damndest to make lemonade out of a ton of lemons and I don't know where to begin.

I know that true healing comes from turning all this over to the lord but I am having a hard day doing that. If only it were different!!!

 

 

If you learn from your suffering, and really come to

understand the lesson you were taught,
you might be able to help someone else
who's now in the phase you may have just completed.
Maybe that's what it's all about after all...

Count Your Blessings....

So today I figured I would tell you about my four other children and how awesomely blessed I am that these four kids call me mom.

My oldest child is Ezekial, but everyone calls him Zeke. I myself call him Zekey Pooh! He is my Zekey Pooh! I had Zeke at a very young age so he and I in a sense grew up together. Or better yet, having Zeke made me grow up. My family up bring was a mess and I never wanted my children going through anything I had to go through growing up. I may get some hate on this from family members who read my blog but c'mon you know! That's all I'd like to say about that (Said like Forest Gump). Anyway, I was not married when I got pregnant with Zeke but something inside me, let's just say I had a strong desire to do things as right as I could at that point. So Ryan and I were married, I was seven months pregnant when we said our "I do's". A couple months pass and we have the most precious little boy ever. He has since been topped by Jacob in the precious dept...lol. jk. Anyway, Zeke was my everything. Everything Ryan and myself did was for him. He is now nine almost ten and the most awesome nine almost ten year old you could ever meet. He's very loving, caring, he has a true love for others and God. He is funny, always trying to get a laugh out of you. Smart as can be. So respectful and most of all he is mine and I love him so much.

When Zeke was fifteen months old we decided to add to the mix and try for number two. Right away we got pregnant with Keirsten. I wanted a boy never in my life did I ever picture having a girl so boy were we surprised when the doctor said "it's a girl". Once I held her I knew she was what I wanted not a boy but this beautiful little girl that God had blessed me with. Keirsty was born nine days after Zeke's second birthday (makes party planning easier to mesh them together, so Ive learned). She was born @ 37wks and had really bad jaundice. She ended up staying in the hospital five extra day which stunk! I wanted my baby home with me but what was best for her health was what we were going to do. She was such a beautiful baby and I know if Rowan would have made it she would of looked just like Keirsten. Keirsten is very opinionated and set in her own ways, she reminds me of me when I was her age, Just not as bad. She loves people and would do anything to make someone down smile. That is just my Keirsty Keys. I was looking at pictures of me the other day when I was her age and I do believe she looks like me. She is my mini me :) Such a sweet little girl and I don't know what I would do without my Keirsty hugs and kissies! Love that girl so much!

Four year break here...lol. So When I was pregnant with Keirsten Ryan took a job mixing ink for a printing business. The ink was toxic, no one knew that at the time. It didn't do anything super harmful but it ruined your sperm. Made it to where you produced nada. So we thought we were done. We were OK with just the two we had a boy and a girl so we had all we needed, right? Well we go on vacation, took the kids to Disney, Universal, Lakeland (to visit Ryan's family) we come home and I'm sick, sick as can be. Doesn't help that the day I came home from vacation I was fired from my job. That's life though and it stunk!!!! Well a month past and I'm still feeling gross. We had no clue we could even get pregnant but when I went to see my doctor they tested just to be on the safe side and guess what?........I was pregnant!

So when I was six months pregnant we made the best choice of our lives and Ryan took a job in Missouri. I found a very political and opinionated doctor I will never forget this guy, in the mid of an exam he demanded to know what I had voted on the stem cell research thin they had a few years back. I didn't vote, we had just moved here and I wasn't registered just yet. He was a strange one, I have a knack for picking out the odd ball doctors...lol

So November 15, 2006 we welcomed Amiah into this world. I was induced with her and had to do it all alone. We didn't know anyone up here so I solo'd the whole birthing experience.. Which gt pretty scary for a second there. She wasn't tolerating me laying on a certain side so her heart rate dropped low enough for them to prep the operating room.. SCARY! Everything went well and we had our second little girl. She looked soooo much different than Zeke and Keirsten, sometimes still have to convince myself I'm her mother. She is now three years old with kinky curly red hair and looks JUST like her daddy and her aunt Amy. Shes a ball of energy and it takes every bit of me to keep up with this one. Sassy too so so sassy. She thinks she is a little diva. I love Amiah's random hug attacks! You never know when it's coming but you know sooner or later she will be running to hug you. I love it though. She is something else. We were told when she was six months she had a ball joint problem and probably would never walk and if she did it would be with braces but God changed that and she is perfect! Everything fixed itself and you cant tell that there is anything wrong with her. Her right leg turns in a tiny bit, but you would never know unless you freakishly stared my little girl down for a while...lol She was our surprise baby. We honestly didn't think we would be able to have more and God blessed me with her.

So we go on vacation to FL again, do the whole Disney thing and come back and guess what? We are expecting baby number four! Must be something in the FL water...lol. We had Jacob Feb 7th 2009. By then we had amazing people in our lives and they helped with the other three so I would not have to be alone having Jacob. Jacob is now 14mo's old and like Amiah I have to remind myself he is mine. He looks just like Zeke did when he was a baby but with blond hair and blue eye. He is perfect. He has overactive kidneys so he pees constantly!!!!! Other than that he is a precious gift from the lord. He is my little snuggle bunny and so loving. He loves to snuggle! My sweet precious little guy. I know he would have made an awesome big brother but God had other plans for our little Rowan Marie and plans for Jacob to stay our baby for a little while longer.

You know that song, Count Your Blessings? Well I do daily when I see these four gifts from God.. I truly have been blessed! So no matter how down I get about Rowan I know I have been blessed. God is good he isn't doing these things to hurt us, though it feels that way sometimes. He loves us all so much! Everyone has their own trial's to g through in life you just have to make sure you come out on top with love for God in your heart and a whole heap of faith. Satan wants us to fail. He is everywhere trying to bring us down and I know he looks at events such as Rowans death as an opportunity to creep his way in and try to turn you on the lord. Be strong! I try to tell myself this daily because to be honest it is hard VERY hard!

Second Guessing...

Beating myself up today with the cold ofs and should ofs. I wish I would of had the early birth defect testing done now the not knowing is really getting to me. Obviously there was something wrong just wish I knew. Then I opted out on having her tested after we had her but now I'm second guessing everything. UGH! I just wish I knew what caused this. So that has been my day. Went to the WIC office to re-certify. Babies and pregnant woman everywhere. I held it together pretty good I must say. Everyone who works there knows me and what happened. They kept going on and on about how beautifully written her obituary was.. Thank you once again Jill. Wanda even had it taped behind one of the pc's said it was very inspirational and she hoped I didn't mind. Which I don't just wish I would have had a heads up before I saw it. They were wonderful up there so it didn't go so bad I guess. The post it note on my folder said mother recert/stillborn that kinda got to me but what can you do. The world cant stop or change on my behalf. I don't want people to feel as though I'm surrounded by egg shells I just want things to be normal once again.

 
 
 

 
 

A Peek Into Heaven

By Callie Sanders Thornton

Just one little peek into heaven,

Is all I'm asking for today.

I just want to know how she's doing,

And heaven seems so far away.

Is she playing on the clouds with angels?

Is she laughing and running today?

Does she miss me?

I guess only she knows.

Oh why does heaven seem so far away?

If you just let me look for a moment,

To catch a glimpse of her sweet smiling face,

I promise I won't try to take her,

I know, she's in a better place.

Just one little peek into heaven,

Is all I'm asking for today.

I just want to know how she's doing,

And heaven seems so far away...

please don't say

So today has been so so. This morning was rough! We overslept to check out a new church so I was left with nothing to do. Tried to listen to the service online but it locked up my pc. I really wanted to go take flowers out to Rowans burial site but if it wasn't the weather holding me back it was my husband. He had one excuse after the other mainly blamed him not wanting to drive out there on the weather, but it didn't rain. Foowie on him. So I layed in bed with my thoughts for quite some time this am.

At noon I went and joined a gym..Woohoo.. Something to keep not just me but my mind occupied. I don't think I have worked out that hard in my life. Thought it a good idea to keep me occupied and my mind on something other than what I have been dwelling in over the past two weeks.

FYI I do not feel as though I had a miscarriage.. So please don't say "Well I know how you feel because I had a miscarriage too." it isn't like that. What happened to me/Rowan was considered spontaneous fetal death followed by actually going into labor (ya know, contractions, water breaking, pushing and stuff?). So PLEASE PLEASE stop saying I had a miscarriage!! I have had three miscarriages all within the first month of pregnancy so I know what a miscarriage is, this isn't it. I had a baby, one I could hold and touch one I named!

I know people don't mean anything by it but, yes it offends me a little when that is said. I guess I'm just pissy today! Cant help it, I open the sales paper and it is all baby items, everywhere I look I see pregnant women or babies. I swear I'm losing it. I did sleep last night, didn't dream though. If I did I don't remember. All this stinks!  I know if I didnt have God in my life I would be much more of a mess than I am.

Hard when the wounds are still so fresh...

I find myself dreaming about her every time I dose off. I slept a little better last night with a little less medication, I guess going on so little sleep has finally taken it's toll. I'm almost afraid to go to sleep tonight because I know I will dream of her again and I will have to wake up. Last night she was in the most beautiful white bassinet. It was trimmed in lace and she was in a white lace trimmed layette with a little bonnet on. I could only look at her, for some reason I couldn't pick her up, She was content and happy just laying there, but I could smell her. She smelled so sweet.. You know the wonderful baby smell? That was what it was. It was so real. She had puffy cheeks like Amiah but a darker completion and eyes like Keirsten. When we had her, she looked (to me) like Keirsten. I have this one photo of Keirsten in her baby bath that I know Rowan would look like that. I wish now that Ryan and I would have taken our own photos of her. The ones the hospital took were horrible, then again when I saw her I only saw one side and the side I saw was more developed than the photos that I have show. Hindsight is 20/20 and going in we didn't even want to see her, but I changed my mind after I came out of surgery. My little fairy baby with her little fairy hands and feet. UGH! I wish I could just turn this off and stop talking and thinking about her. I feel like everyone expects me to be "over" it by now. That is one of the main reasons I'm so protective of her box and photos. I don't want someone looking at her pictures and saying "She was so under developed, why are you still this upset?" because sadly I know people that would say that or something close. Ya know what though!! No matter the development; life starts at conception and she was and will always be my baby! I carried her, felt her move, her hiccups, her extreme like or extreme dislike of kit kats, I labored with her and most of all I loved her.

I received a call from my friend Adam today, he can only call us once a month and had no clue what had been going on. The last time we spoke was around the middle of last month. So, one of the first things out of his mouth was "how did your ultrasound go?" so had to tell him the whole spill. It's hard to talk about what has happened but it's getting easier to talk about her. I don't know if that makes sense or not. Our fifteen minute conversation was mainly me blubbering in the phone.

Ya know I have been praying for months for God to use me, to open a door for me to talk to someone about him and his glory. I didn't mean it this way!!! I didn't want to lose something to help someone else gain something. I guess it isn't about what we want but rather what we need. How though could I possibly "need" to go through this? It is so hard not to question God and all these things. I just have to know that there is a reason there was a reason and I have to now find a way to use this to glorify him in all of this. It's hard when the wounds are still so fresh. I will get there though!