2 months

Death of a loved one is always a cause for mourning. However, when a baby dies, there is a sadness that goes beyond normal grief. We are programmed to expect that the old outlive the young. When a person who has lived a full life passes away, there is a sense that everything is as it should be. When a baby passes, who has not even has the chance to experience life, her death seems meaningless.

It has been two months :(  I should be nearing the end of my journey instead it was ended way to soon. 

Can I skip the month of Aug?

  So, I went to my first M.E.N.D meeting last night. I think I did OK. Cried at the end while looking through a children's book meant to explain the loss of a baby to their siblings. Had to put that one down quickly. I'm not ready for that just yet. Amiah keeps asking where is the baby that was in my tummy, and all I can say without sobbing uncontrollably is that shes in Heaven let alone read her a book about it and compose myself to where it isn't going to bother her. We do what we can as parents and right now that is all I can do with her on the subject. She has been showing out since shes noticed the change in the atmosphere here so I don't want to make things harder for her to adjust back to her normal little self. She has been doing really good with the whole attitude and acting out for the past two weeks I don't wanna jeopardize it. Anyway, I met several other ladies who have been in this situation and though the reason us all being there is sad it was nice to see im not alone in the thoughts, actions and reactions I have been having over these past two months. Yes it has almost been two months. I cant believe that. I should be nearing the end of my seventh month by now counting down the days to meet my little girl but I'm not. I'm dreading the days to come, especially her due date. Ive heard from other angel baby mommies that the anticipation to the due date is worse than the actual date. I just want to skip the whole month of Aug! Can I do that? Maybe Unisom and Ambien will become my best friends that month. Just kidding. I know I cant sleep away my sorrows just as much as I cant drink them away either. Saddens me to think people believe they can. So just a quick FYI if I'm pissy with you during the month of Aug I apologize ahead of time. I have started reading a book called. I Will hold you in Heaven". It's looking at the death of a child from what the Bible's POV is. It deals with miscarriages up to babies who die at an early age, even abortion. So far so good. I guess I'm OK. I think I'm doing pretty good considering how fresh all this still is. I have realised how shallow some people really are and sadly it took this for me to see what horrible friends they are. I also have come to terms with the fact this is me now. The new normal I guess. There is no going back to the way Erica was before this it's not going to happen. How can you go back to normal after you have lost a child? This is me now and I have to be OK with that. You don't have to be but if you cant accept me now then maybe it's better you hit the road Jack. I had someone ask me how I could pray to the God who took my baby? I answered, the same way I pray to the God who gave me her. I know there is reasoning behind Rowan taking an early flight home and though I struggle with accepting that I have no choice but to be OK with that.

How dare you....

Why God Takes Little Children

When God calls little children

to dwell with Him above,

We mortals sometimes question

the wisdom of His love.

For no heartache compares with,

the death of one small child.

Who does so much to make our world,

seem so wonderful and mild.

Perhaps God tires of calling

the aged to His fold.

So He picks a rosebud

before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them,

and so He takes but few.

To make the land of heaven

more beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult

still somehow we must try.

The saddest word mankind knows

will always be Good-bye.

So when a little child departs,

we who are left behind,

Must realize God loves children.

ANGELS ARE HARD TO FIND!

Author Unknown

You have no clue what I am going through!  How dare you say I need to just get over it already.  The bad thing is you said it to someone other than me.  How dare you? You have never been in my shoes so how can you even justify saying, "At least she can have more children."  or "They have four already maybe God made a mistake allowing her to get pregnant with a fith"  best yet " She needs to get over it, it isnt like she lost a living infant, if she continues to let this eat her up there is no hope for her other children" Really?  I could call you out and say who you are but you know who you are and I could sit here and dog the hell out of you for what type of person you are or how horrible of a mother I think you are but im not that kind of person, I will pray for you and I will forgive you because that is what a Christian does. 

I wonder

Today is just another day that goes by like nothing has changed except you. My sister said it best in one of her Facebook updates, "It's not fair that when people die time doesn't stop. It keeps on going as if it doesn't care that another good person is gone and you're dying inside.". That is so true. Time keeps ticking no matter what happens. It feels like your the only one time has stopped for and your trapped. You see everyone else going about their lives like nothing happened. Why cant I go on about mine? I'm the only one still grieving this and I feel all cried out. I'm just numb to all of this now, like I cant cry anymore but I still feel all the pain. Will it ever go away? Guessing that my roller coaster is on a down at the moment.

I have accepted this is what it is and that's all it can be. I have come to terms with the fact I lost my little girl, that her life was cut short way to soon (she was supposed to bury me not the other way around!). I have accepted the fact I am not pregnant, that I had a daughter named Rowan who is not here with me. I know God has a plan and I know that this was part of his plan! I know God loves me so much and that he too has felt the loss of a child, he sent his own son to be out savior by giving up his life so we could live. I know this! I have accepted it, now when does this hole in my heart heal?

This girl at the park yesterday asked me how many children I had, I told her four. It's better than saying. " I have had five but I have four." I felt guilty not saying five. Maybe I'm beating myself up not wanting the outside world to think that I see my Rowan as an afterthought. However it's much less complicated to just say four. I know I have five, just one isn't here on earth with the others. Anyway, she then asked if I was done having children. I held it together. ( I'm becoming so good at this I can even fake myself out some days) I told her it was not in the stars for me to have another right now but maybe in the future.

I know Rowan is up there safe, she will never have to feel pain or sorrow. I wonder if she has met up with my Mama, or my grandparents, maybe James, Susan, or Eric? I wonder... Im sure if she hasent she will get around to it sooner or later she has eternity. I know one day she will meet up with me! Until then I will do whatever I can to be a faithful servent to the Lord and the best mom and wife I can be

God saw you getting tired and a cure was not

to be. So he put his arms around you and whispered "come to me." With

tearful eyes I watched you,and saw you pass away. Although I loved

you dearly, I could not make you stay. A golden heart stopped

beating, hardworking hands at rest....God broke my heart to prove to me, He only

...takes the BEST.

One of those days

I finally did it.  I took Rowan's box down last night.  I waited until everyone was sleeping and took it down.  I looked through all the items and photos.  Kissed the pictures, her little blue bunny and hat.  I have a pain in my heart that im afraid will never heal. I know it will never heal it's something im going to have to learn to live with and I honestly think im doing pretty good so far.   I miss her! I miss being pregnant with her!  I miss the hopes and dreams I had for her!  I know though, God has her and he is taking the best care imaginable of her.  I just can't help but wonder if she misses me or ever thinks of me.  I know I miss her and think of her all the time.  There isnt a moment that she isnt in the back of my mind.  I just have my days I guess and maybe this is one of them :(

Everywhere I look

I haven't taken Rowan's box down in almost three days. I haven't looked at her pictures, held her blanket or little blue bunny in almost three days. I want to take the box down but something is holding me back. Like I know it's a bad idea, that I'm just torturing myself if I give in and get it down. Ive even been in the closet, hands on the box starting to pull it off the top shelf where it stays and had to stop because I feel like right now it's not the best idea. I have been OK for about 24hrs now and I know if I take it down to look through that OKness will be ruined. Does that make me horrible? That I don't want to look at my daughters memory box? Everything that was hers or was to be is all in one tiny box. I got rid of all the baby items I had saved right after we got home. Some mommy to be lucked up with my Craigslist posting. I just couldn't look at it. Everything already reminds me of her, I look at my children and know there is one missing, I look at the photos on the fridge and know the only one up there even close to being one of her is a photo of where she is buried, I will never get to capture a memory of her to place up there with the other four. The toys that are scattered through my house will never be Rowan's toys. Even down to the silverware we eat off of, Rowan will never use them. So I feel like why torture myself looking through the tiny box contained with her things, cards, photos, etc. when I already see reminders of her everywhere I look.

So today is...

So today is so far so good. I have ups and downs all throughout the day and so far I'm good. Ive been trying to stay busy as busy as I can because I don't want that dreadful down that I know is to come. I have decided to not go back to the therapist. It isn't like what I have been going through isn't normal. I could see it if I was so bad it was interfering with daily life to the point I cant function semi normal. Yeah things aren't normal right now, nor do I see them ever being the way they were before Rowan but at least I'm OK. I don't want to say things are getting better because this isn't something you "get better" from, despite that being the thought of others. I'm not sick! I'm a grieving mother who lost her child. Yeah it sucks! Yeah it breaks my heart! but it isn't a sickness! So I don't need a cure, I need time. That I can get without paying $140 a month so someone who honestly could care less listen to me piss and moan about my lot in life. So there ya have it! Today is so far so good!