Not one day...

There isnt a day that goes by that I don't think about her.  Not one day that passes that I don't wish that things were different.  Not one single day can I go through without praying that she were still here.  I know I never got the chance to get to know her or what kind of personality she would have had, but I still miss what I never got the chance to know.  Like I've said hundreds of times, I have my good days and my bad, my ups and my downs.  Never is there really a middle ground and if there is, it dosent last to long because I never remember it.   I know my little Rowan is safe and I know God is taking really good care of her, still im selfish and wish it were my arms that were holding...sigh...

 

needed a good cry

So, my week has started off on the rough side.  I've been holding everything in for so long I finally exploded.  It's funny the things that set you off.  Im OK now though.  I needed a good cry and I got more than my fair share of one yesterday. 
We celebrated the two oldests birthdays this weekend. Had a big to do at the park, I think everyone had a good time.  It wasent as big and elaborate as I had invisioned but it was nice.  Our fundage was low thanks to some douche bag kid breaking into our van and getting our debit card/credit card.  So we were out a bit, but the bank should refund all the charges once the investigation is over. Hopefully that will be soon.
There was a lady dropping off her daughter to the party who was pregnant.  She went on and on about how much she hates being pregnant blah blah blah.. Thinking to myself how much I would give to still be pregnant as she was talking.  She is due Aug 25th.  Three days before Rowan's due date was to be.  I did good though I think I held myself together quite well, I even held a baby :)
Keirsten got a bead kit as a gift and made me a necklace with all the kids first initial on it, it was really sweet.  Sadly I cant find it and judgeing by the look of Jacobs poop im pretty sure he ate all the beads, im not about to dig them out!  Anyway this is me since my last little bloggy thing.  

A day of grief lasts longer than a month of joy

2 months

Death of a loved one is always a cause for mourning. However, when a baby dies, there is a sadness that goes beyond normal grief. We are programmed to expect that the old outlive the young. When a person who has lived a full life passes away, there is a sense that everything is as it should be. When a baby passes, who has not even has the chance to experience life, her death seems meaningless.

It has been two months :(  I should be nearing the end of my journey instead it was ended way to soon. 

Can I skip the month of Aug?

  So, I went to my first M.E.N.D meeting last night. I think I did OK. Cried at the end while looking through a children's book meant to explain the loss of a baby to their siblings. Had to put that one down quickly. I'm not ready for that just yet. Amiah keeps asking where is the baby that was in my tummy, and all I can say without sobbing uncontrollably is that shes in Heaven let alone read her a book about it and compose myself to where it isn't going to bother her. We do what we can as parents and right now that is all I can do with her on the subject. She has been showing out since shes noticed the change in the atmosphere here so I don't want to make things harder for her to adjust back to her normal little self. She has been doing really good with the whole attitude and acting out for the past two weeks I don't wanna jeopardize it. Anyway, I met several other ladies who have been in this situation and though the reason us all being there is sad it was nice to see im not alone in the thoughts, actions and reactions I have been having over these past two months. Yes it has almost been two months. I cant believe that. I should be nearing the end of my seventh month by now counting down the days to meet my little girl but I'm not. I'm dreading the days to come, especially her due date. Ive heard from other angel baby mommies that the anticipation to the due date is worse than the actual date. I just want to skip the whole month of Aug! Can I do that? Maybe Unisom and Ambien will become my best friends that month. Just kidding. I know I cant sleep away my sorrows just as much as I cant drink them away either. Saddens me to think people believe they can. So just a quick FYI if I'm pissy with you during the month of Aug I apologize ahead of time. I have started reading a book called. I Will hold you in Heaven". It's looking at the death of a child from what the Bible's POV is. It deals with miscarriages up to babies who die at an early age, even abortion. So far so good. I guess I'm OK. I think I'm doing pretty good considering how fresh all this still is. I have realised how shallow some people really are and sadly it took this for me to see what horrible friends they are. I also have come to terms with the fact this is me now. The new normal I guess. There is no going back to the way Erica was before this it's not going to happen. How can you go back to normal after you have lost a child? This is me now and I have to be OK with that. You don't have to be but if you cant accept me now then maybe it's better you hit the road Jack. I had someone ask me how I could pray to the God who took my baby? I answered, the same way I pray to the God who gave me her. I know there is reasoning behind Rowan taking an early flight home and though I struggle with accepting that I have no choice but to be OK with that.

How dare you....

Why God Takes Little Children

When God calls little children

to dwell with Him above,

We mortals sometimes question

the wisdom of His love.

For no heartache compares with,

the death of one small child.

Who does so much to make our world,

seem so wonderful and mild.

Perhaps God tires of calling

the aged to His fold.

So He picks a rosebud

before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them,

and so He takes but few.

To make the land of heaven

more beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult

still somehow we must try.

The saddest word mankind knows

will always be Good-bye.

So when a little child departs,

we who are left behind,

Must realize God loves children.

ANGELS ARE HARD TO FIND!

Author Unknown

You have no clue what I am going through!  How dare you say I need to just get over it already.  The bad thing is you said it to someone other than me.  How dare you? You have never been in my shoes so how can you even justify saying, "At least she can have more children."  or "They have four already maybe God made a mistake allowing her to get pregnant with a fith"  best yet " She needs to get over it, it isnt like she lost a living infant, if she continues to let this eat her up there is no hope for her other children" Really?  I could call you out and say who you are but you know who you are and I could sit here and dog the hell out of you for what type of person you are or how horrible of a mother I think you are but im not that kind of person, I will pray for you and I will forgive you because that is what a Christian does.