Standing still...

Starting to feel like im just standing still.  Like im waiting on something or someone to push me so I can move forward.  Really, is it supposed to be this hard?  It's 2am and im up alone in my thoughts.  Poor pitiful little ole me.  Im starting to feel like that is me.  The one that everyone avoids because it's poor poor pitiful ole Erica again.  I know that isnt the case, I have amazing friends who God has placed in my life that would just sit and listen to me sob on hours end, if I needed them to.  I guess im looking at myself as poor pitiful Erica.  I feel like im lingering in this grief and I cant find a way out.  I was told by a relative that I needed medication for depression.  I dont think there is a magic pill to take away the pain and constant reminder that my daughter died.  I started working overnights and I say to some that maybe it will help keep my mind of things.  The real of it is were in such a financial slump I have no choice.  Im not ready to work or be around "new" people.  Im a horrible person to work with, im cranky and rude.. Yes me rude!  Im the nicest person you will meet and here I am being short with my coworkers because I dont want to have anything to do with them.  Im bitter with the whole situation and I cry on the way to and fro work because I know when im there all I can think about is my lot in life and where I am supposed to be right now.  I pray about all this and God has been amazing to me!  I just feel like there is a hole in my chest that no matter how hard or how much I pray will never go away. 



Just looked this up and Rowan means, little red one.  Maybe she would have had red hair like her big sister Amiah.  A Rowan tree is also a symbol of friendship.  Which is perfect because I chose her middle name Marie after my oldest friend Robbin.

Fire Works and Empty Arms

So im sad today.  Which here lately really isnt all that abnormal.  Took the kids out to see the fireworks last night and found myself so sad.  All I kept thinking while watching Jacob that I will never get to see Rowan's face light up the first time she sees fireworks.  sigh...   I swear everywhere I turned I saw pregnant women and that should be me!!!  It should be!  It's not though and I think I have done pretty good accepting that. 
I took a job hoping it will help my mind not dwell on my situation but it dosent help, here lately all I can think about is her.  They introduced a new jewlery line on my first day of work called the Family Cycle jewlery collection and one of the necklaces is a medallion with a Rowan tree on it.  What a cowinkidink!  She is everywhere I swear!