Standing still...

Starting to feel like im just standing still.  Like im waiting on something or someone to push me so I can move forward.  Really, is it supposed to be this hard?  It's 2am and im up alone in my thoughts.  Poor pitiful little ole me.  Im starting to feel like that is me.  The one that everyone avoids because it's poor poor pitiful ole Erica again.  I know that isnt the case, I have amazing friends who God has placed in my life that would just sit and listen to me sob on hours end, if I needed them to.  I guess im looking at myself as poor pitiful Erica.  I feel like im lingering in this grief and I cant find a way out.  I was told by a relative that I needed medication for depression.  I dont think there is a magic pill to take away the pain and constant reminder that my daughter died.  I started working overnights and I say to some that maybe it will help keep my mind of things.  The real of it is were in such a financial slump I have no choice.  Im not ready to work or be around "new" people.  Im a horrible person to work with, im cranky and rude.. Yes me rude!  Im the nicest person you will meet and here I am being short with my coworkers because I dont want to have anything to do with them.  Im bitter with the whole situation and I cry on the way to and fro work because I know when im there all I can think about is my lot in life and where I am supposed to be right now.  I pray about all this and God has been amazing to me!  I just feel like there is a hole in my chest that no matter how hard or how much I pray will never go away. 



Just looked this up and Rowan means, little red one.  Maybe she would have had red hair like her big sister Amiah.  A Rowan tree is also a symbol of friendship.  Which is perfect because I chose her middle name Marie after my oldest friend Robbin.

Fire Works and Empty Arms

So im sad today.  Which here lately really isnt all that abnormal.  Took the kids out to see the fireworks last night and found myself so sad.  All I kept thinking while watching Jacob that I will never get to see Rowan's face light up the first time she sees fireworks.  sigh...   I swear everywhere I turned I saw pregnant women and that should be me!!!  It should be!  It's not though and I think I have done pretty good accepting that. 
I took a job hoping it will help my mind not dwell on my situation but it dosent help, here lately all I can think about is her.  They introduced a new jewlery line on my first day of work called the Family Cycle jewlery collection and one of the necklaces is a medallion with a Rowan tree on it.  What a cowinkidink!  She is everywhere I swear! 

Not one day...

There isnt a day that goes by that I don't think about her.  Not one day that passes that I don't wish that things were different.  Not one single day can I go through without praying that she were still here.  I know I never got the chance to get to know her or what kind of personality she would have had, but I still miss what I never got the chance to know.  Like I've said hundreds of times, I have my good days and my bad, my ups and my downs.  Never is there really a middle ground and if there is, it dosent last to long because I never remember it.   I know my little Rowan is safe and I know God is taking really good care of her, still im selfish and wish it were my arms that were holding...sigh...

 

needed a good cry

So, my week has started off on the rough side.  I've been holding everything in for so long I finally exploded.  It's funny the things that set you off.  Im OK now though.  I needed a good cry and I got more than my fair share of one yesterday. 
We celebrated the two oldests birthdays this weekend. Had a big to do at the park, I think everyone had a good time.  It wasent as big and elaborate as I had invisioned but it was nice.  Our fundage was low thanks to some douche bag kid breaking into our van and getting our debit card/credit card.  So we were out a bit, but the bank should refund all the charges once the investigation is over. Hopefully that will be soon.
There was a lady dropping off her daughter to the party who was pregnant.  She went on and on about how much she hates being pregnant blah blah blah.. Thinking to myself how much I would give to still be pregnant as she was talking.  She is due Aug 25th.  Three days before Rowan's due date was to be.  I did good though I think I held myself together quite well, I even held a baby :)
Keirsten got a bead kit as a gift and made me a necklace with all the kids first initial on it, it was really sweet.  Sadly I cant find it and judgeing by the look of Jacobs poop im pretty sure he ate all the beads, im not about to dig them out!  Anyway this is me since my last little bloggy thing.  

A day of grief lasts longer than a month of joy

2 months

Death of a loved one is always a cause for mourning. However, when a baby dies, there is a sadness that goes beyond normal grief. We are programmed to expect that the old outlive the young. When a person who has lived a full life passes away, there is a sense that everything is as it should be. When a baby passes, who has not even has the chance to experience life, her death seems meaningless.

It has been two months :(  I should be nearing the end of my journey instead it was ended way to soon. 

Can I skip the month of Aug?

  So, I went to my first M.E.N.D meeting last night. I think I did OK. Cried at the end while looking through a children's book meant to explain the loss of a baby to their siblings. Had to put that one down quickly. I'm not ready for that just yet. Amiah keeps asking where is the baby that was in my tummy, and all I can say without sobbing uncontrollably is that shes in Heaven let alone read her a book about it and compose myself to where it isn't going to bother her. We do what we can as parents and right now that is all I can do with her on the subject. She has been showing out since shes noticed the change in the atmosphere here so I don't want to make things harder for her to adjust back to her normal little self. She has been doing really good with the whole attitude and acting out for the past two weeks I don't wanna jeopardize it. Anyway, I met several other ladies who have been in this situation and though the reason us all being there is sad it was nice to see im not alone in the thoughts, actions and reactions I have been having over these past two months. Yes it has almost been two months. I cant believe that. I should be nearing the end of my seventh month by now counting down the days to meet my little girl but I'm not. I'm dreading the days to come, especially her due date. Ive heard from other angel baby mommies that the anticipation to the due date is worse than the actual date. I just want to skip the whole month of Aug! Can I do that? Maybe Unisom and Ambien will become my best friends that month. Just kidding. I know I cant sleep away my sorrows just as much as I cant drink them away either. Saddens me to think people believe they can. So just a quick FYI if I'm pissy with you during the month of Aug I apologize ahead of time. I have started reading a book called. I Will hold you in Heaven". It's looking at the death of a child from what the Bible's POV is. It deals with miscarriages up to babies who die at an early age, even abortion. So far so good. I guess I'm OK. I think I'm doing pretty good considering how fresh all this still is. I have realised how shallow some people really are and sadly it took this for me to see what horrible friends they are. I also have come to terms with the fact this is me now. The new normal I guess. There is no going back to the way Erica was before this it's not going to happen. How can you go back to normal after you have lost a child? This is me now and I have to be OK with that. You don't have to be but if you cant accept me now then maybe it's better you hit the road Jack. I had someone ask me how I could pray to the God who took my baby? I answered, the same way I pray to the God who gave me her. I know there is reasoning behind Rowan taking an early flight home and though I struggle with accepting that I have no choice but to be OK with that.